Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Abattoir (2016)


Starring: Jessica Lowndes, Joe Anderson, and Lin Shaye

Homicidal Maniac: Dayton Callie as Jebediah Crone

Run time: 1:38:00
Quick Synopsis: A journalist investigates the mystery behind the death of her sister's family.

Review:
Abattoir was definitely a chore to watch.  The movie revolves around a journalist who is trying to find answers to why her sister was murdered.  After doing some research, she finds a connection to many other similar murders (and other deaths) where the room in which the death took place is ripped out of the house.  All this happens in about the first thirty minutes of the film.  The pacing up to this point is perfectly fine.  Unfortunately, during the next 40 minutes of the film nothing new is presented to the audience.  The two main characters are a journalist and a police detective and they appear to be the two worst investigators in the world.  Even as the audience is able to connect all of the important dots, these two idiots struggle for another half hour.  The story does pick up during the climax but there is too much cliche and predictability to save the film.  One bright spot was the performance of Dayton Callie as Jebediah Crone.  He has a good presence and actual felt as though he could be a cult leader.  Additionally, many of the effects within the film look decent. Jessica Lowndes is average at best and it doesn't really help that filmmakers tried to add a noir-ish feel to the film.  They have dressed as a 50's movie star that was transported to modern day.  I think they tried to do the same to the detective (Grady, played by Joe Anderson) and the results were even worse.  This is an extremely tedious awful horror movie. 


Fun Fact:  An abattoir is a slaughterhouse where animals are killed for food consumption. 

Hidden Gem:  Former professional wrestler Taryn Terrell plays a drowning victim.

Total Kill Count:
Charlie- Aiden Flowers (9:00) Slaughtered Offscreen Gore Rating: ---
Amanda- Jackie Tuttle (9:00) Slaughtered Offscreen Gore Rating: ---
Charlie's Dad (9:00) Slaughtered Offscreen Gore Rating: ---
Sheriff McDermott- John McConnell (1:11:00) Shot in Head Gore Rating: 8
Grady- Joe Anderson (1:29:00)  Throat Slit Gore Rating: 7
Julia- Jessica Lowndes (1:33:00) Shot in the Stomach Gore Rating: 4

There were additional kills of ghosts throughout the film, ranging from poisonings to hangings to drownings and so on.

Rating:
             Horror Film: 5
             Entertainment: 2
             Gore: 7
             Overall: 4.75

Saturday, April 8, 2017

The Windmill (2016)



Starring: Charlotte Beaumont, Patrick Baladi, and Bart Klever
Homicidal Maniac: Kenan Raven as Miller Hendrik
Run time: 1:25:00
Quick Synopsis: A group of bus tourists find themselves trapped in a windmill as a supernatural miller stalks and attempts to kills them.
Review:
Finding a decent horror movie on Netflix these days can sometimes feel like playing Russian roulette with a fully-loaded revolver so I was pleasantly surprised by The windmill.  The film does not try to reinvent the wheel (which is usually the right way to go), but it does attempt to make an interesting mash-up of different horror ideas to create a respectable premise.  The acting is a little more hit than miss and each character is given some backstory to work with.  The villain is imposing, both physically and with his supernal abilities, and his kills are done in an entertaining fashion.  The biggest gripe against the film is the lack of any level of suspense and very little mystery.  Additionally, the movie gets sloppy a few times and the ending is fairly underwhelming.  Overall, though, The Windmill is a watchable awful horror movie.


Fun Fact: While the film was released as The Windmill in the United States, the original title is The Windmill Massacre
Hidden Gem: Tanroh Ishida was the only one on set that spoke Japanese. Director Nick Jongerius was unable to verify his lines until he was given translations during editing.
Total Kill Count: 11
Prostitute-Prostitute- Donnya Zidan (24:00) Neck Snapped. Gore Rating: 3
Jack- Ben Batt (25:00) Head stomped in. Gore Rating: 9
Nicholas Cooper- Noah Taylor (42:00) Guts ripped out. Gore Rating: 8
Jenny's Dad- Derek Howard (49:00) Burned alive. Gore Rating: ---
Danny- Danny Jongejun (49:00) Burned alive. Gore Rating:----
Ruby- Fiona Hampton (56:00) Drowned. Gore Rating:---
Curt's Mom- Famke Lakerveld (1:04:00) Strangled. Gore Rating: ---
Douglas- Patrick Baladi (1:04:00) Decapitated. Gore Rating: 7
Takashi- Tanroh Ishida (1:06:00) Stabbed in stomach. Gore Rating: 6
Abe- Bart Klever (1:17:00) Throat Slit. Gore Rating: 8
Jenny- Charlotte Beaumont (1:19:00) Face smashed in/hooked. Gore Rating: 9

Rating:
             Horror Film: 5
             Entertainment: 7
             Gore: 8
             Overall: 6.25

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Godzilla (1954)

Director: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Takashi Shimura, Akihito Hirata, Akira Takarada

Run time: 1:36

Rant: So basically there are two versions of the original Godzilla movie. Godzilla or Gojira in Japan was was directed by legendary kaiju director Ishiro Honda and released in 1954. Two years later in 1956 there was an American version released that used the same monster footage in the original but added an American reporter played by Raymond Burr. This review will be about the 1954 Japanese version.

This is only the second time I've watched this version and I gotta say it's pretty damn good. Godzilla was awaken by H-bomb tests near the ocean and the movie really tries to make you think about war and nuclear weapons. His atomic breath doesn't look like a laser blast in this one, it looks more like radiation or some kind of gas. It's a pretty depressing movie actually and it's really dark. Not dark like Godzilla 2014 where you can't see shit but dark and depressing. You might have to be in the right state of mind to enjoy it. There's no fun. You won't be seeing any monsters giving each other suplexes or Stone Cold stunners. Godzilla hasn't become a hero or The King of the Monsters like he's portrayed in the following films. He's a giant, scary, indestructible monster that just destroys everything in his path.

The story is pretty simple. A freighter is destroyed near and island and some locals think it's "Godzilla," who to them is just a legend. The government send a paleontologist named Kyohei Yamane (played by legendary actor Takashi Shimura) to find out what the hell is going on. He finds Godzilla and tells everyone that repeated H-bomb testing has awaken the monster. At the same time there's this mad scientist with an eye patch named Serizawa who's invented a weapon of mass destruction called the Oxygen Destroyer. Yamane's daughter Emiko and her fiance Ogata now have to convince Serizawa to use the weapon to destroy Godzilla.

The rubber suit isn't bad but it depends on what angles it's shot in. Some scenes Godzilla looks like a burn-victim Barney the dinosaur, but in others, especially with the grainy black and white film, he looks really scary. There's one shot at about the hour and four minute mark that is excellent.

This movie is great. You can't go wrong with Godzilla. The theme is one of the best ever, the characters are great and the sense of dread throughout is very well done. At the end of the movie, they use the Oxygen Destroyer and kill Godzilla. There will probably never be another film with him ever again. This is a classic and an excellent awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: Gojira is a combination of the words gorira (gorilla) and kujira (whale).

Monster Appearances
Godzilla

Rating:
             Film: 8.5
             Entertainment: 8
             Effects: 7
             Overall: 8.0

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Son of Kong (1933)

Director: Ernest B. Shoedsack

Starring: Robert Armstrong, Helen Mack, Frank Reicher

Run time: 1:10

Rant: Ol' Son of Kong. They really cranked this son of a bitch out. It's actually not a bad movie considering the time it took for them to make it, compared to the original Kong film. Not a bad movie, but not a great one either. Writer Ruth Rose is quoted saying "If you can't make it bigger, make it funnier." Pretty smart. This formula works for other more modern franchises as well like the Nightmare on Elm Street series (fuck, do I have to mention that shit in every review?).

In the original movie the scenes without Kong feel like a part of a story building to something you know will be exiting. The scenes without Kong in this movie feel like filler. Some parts are entertaining but just get to the fucking ape, you cunts. We don't have an hour and forty minute movie this time!

When we first see little Kong the silly goose has got himself trapped in some quicksand. Denham and friends rescue him but they're still scared to death he might murder them. Soon after our heroes are attacked by a giant bear and of course young Kong comes to the rescue. The effects are once again a lot of fun. We see a triceratops, a nothosaurus and an elasmosaurus. We're finally having a great time on this island and... there's an earthquake and the movie ends. It's a shame they had to rush this fucker out. The first 45 minutes feel like forever and the last 20 minutes fly by. That's what makes Son of Kong a frustrating awful horror movie. 

Fun Fact: The model of the Styracosaurus that appears in the movie is owned by Peter Jackson. 

Monster Appearances
Little Kong

Rating:
             Film: 6
             Entertainment: 7
             Effects: 8
             Overall: 6.7

Friday, March 31, 2017

King Kong (1933)

Director: Merian C. Cooper, Ernest B. Schoedsack

Starring: 1:40

Run time: Fay Wray, Robert Armstrong, Bruce Cabot

Rant: This movie oozes classic. If I were a teenager in 1933 this would be my favorite movie of all time. I would have seen it 100 times in the theater. You can take Gone With the Wind and City Lights and all that other shit and flush it down the fucking toilet. I don't think any movie of the 1930s can compete with King Kong.

It's the infamous story of filmmaker Carl Denham and his crew going to the mysterious Skull Island to make a film. The lead actress Ann Darrow is kidnapped by the natives and offered to Kong. Denham along with Jack Driscoll rescue her from the giant ape and instead of leaving well enough alone they decide to gas Kong and take him back to civilization. In New York, Kong is kept in chains as a theater attraction but he eventually breaks them, kidnaps Ann and very famously climbs the Empire State Building where he is shot down and killed.

The effects are done by Willis O'Brien and for the time they were revolutionary. I love stop-motion animation. From Ray Harryhausen (O'Brien's protege) to David Allen they have made some of my favorite movies. This is the grandfather of them all and still some of the best. I could watch a stop-motion Kong wrazzle silly dinosaurs all fucking day.

There's not much more I can say. If for whatever reason you haven't seen this movie, go and buy it. It goes without saying that King Kong is a groundbreaking awful monster movie.

Fun Fact: Kong's roar is the combination of a lion and a tiger played backwards and slowed down.

Monster Appearances
King Kong
Tyrannosaurus
Elasmosaurus
Pteranodon

Rating:
             Film: 8.5
             Entertainment: 8
             Effects: 8.5
             Overall: 8.3

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Beware! Children at Play (1989)

Director: Mik Cribbin

Starring: Michael Robertson, Rich Hamilton, Robin Lilly

Run time: 1:34

Rant: This is a Children of the Corn ripoff. Never have I seen such an awful movie with such a wonderful ending. You won't believe your eyes.

The beginning is excruciating. The acting is so fucking rotten it makes my goddamn eyeballs itch. The only thing worse is the duologue. Holy shit. Get to the fucking point. These cunts talk forever about absolutely nothing. Then we get to the point in the movie where the children start to act. I almost shut this shit off at least half a dozen times and I'm only thirty minutes in. Repeat after me: The ending is worth it, the ending is worth it, the ending is worth it.

In the Pine Barrons of New Jersey a teenage boy is abducting children and converting them into murderous cannibals. The sheriffs department goes and gets an author who writes books about the paranormal to help them. How fucking stupid is that? The townspeople just harass this guy and tell him how horrible his books are. He must have written this movie.

Enough about your fucking books! Enough! It's so boring! What year is it, 1950? People are really upset at this author for writing shitty books? Who cares? It's all they talk about for forty fucking minutes. I'm going to kill myself! The ending is worth it, the ending is worth it, the ending is worth it.

The police and the author go to the library and start studying Beowulf and Grendel for some fucking reason while the children break into their homes and murder their wives. Then the teenager rapes a woman in one of the most awkward and unnecessary scenes I've watched in a long time. As this shit is happening the townsfolk justifiably turn into an angry mob because of how worthless, pathetic and incompetent the sheriffs department is. At this point all you want is this mob to get some weapons, go out into the woods and fucking murder these children. Well, guess what happens? Just that. The last few minutes of this movie are mindblowling. Our main protagonist is shot and killed, then the children are butchered one by one. Guns, axes, pitchforks, machetes, bows and arrows. A child begs for his life as two grown men shoot him in the head to make it explode. A fucking guy puts a gun in a child's mouth and blows his brains out. This really happens. THIS REALLY HAPPENS! Then the movie just fucking ends.

They saved the film... I can't believe it. That's impossible... This awful horror movie is a giant piece of shit but it has the greatest ending of all time.

Fun Fact: Although this is the only film directed by Mik Cribbin, he has worked in the sound department for movies such as Spider-Man and American Gangster.

Rating:
             Horror Film: 4
             Entertainment: 8
             Gore: 7
             Overall: 5.7

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Director: Oren Peli

Starring: Katie Featherstone, Micah Sloat, Mark Frederichs

Run time: 1:26

Review: They filmed this in 10 days and apparently the two actors got paid 500 bucks a piece. The fucking thing went on to make 100,000,000. I hope they got more after the success. We're basically looking at an expensive Youtube video.

This is written and directed by a guy named Oren Peli. This movie is about a girl named Katie who has had a supernatural prescence following her around since she was 8. She lives with her boyfriend Micah, who seems like he doesn't believe her at first but eventually does. They find out it isn't a ghost but a demon that wants to drive her insane.

This may sound strange but I actually wanted to see less in this movie. Until the end at least. It's set up like it's real and you have to watch it like it's in the real world. That sounds fucking idiotic. When something obviously not real happens and there's a bad special effect it takes you right out of the world. There's a scene where they go into the attic and find a picture of the girl's old house. I just found that to be really corny. Yeah, they're trying to make it more entertaining and stuff, I understand. I would have preferred more jump scares for this type of movie. Then there's a part where Katie is crying, squeezing a cross and Micah is holding her and yelling at the demon. It's really over the top and silly. And then he burns the fucking cross!!! Fucking why???!!! If this happened to me the first place I'd be is in church praying to the lord to save me from this shit. I wouldn't be burning crosses like a goddamn clan member.

I'm giving this movie shit but overall I really enjoyed it. I thought the ending was a lot of fun. You know something's going to happen but you don't know what it is. There's so much tension inside your body, then they hit you with it. Much like Blair Witch Project I can't see why someone would want to see a sequel to it though. With all it's flaws, Paranormal Activity is a fun and suspenseful awful horror movie.


Rating:
             Horror Film: 7
             Entertainment: 7.5
             Gore: 8
             Overall: 7.3

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Creature from the Haunted Sea (1961)

Director: Roger Coreman

Starring: Antony Carbone, Betsy Jones-Moreland, Robert Towne

Run time: 1:03

Rant: Roger Coreman is a legend but for every Little Shop of Horrors there is a Creature from the Haunted Sea. That's kind of what makes it fun to go through and watch his stuff. Sometimes you have a great time with these b-movies but other times you want to stab your eyeballs with a cattle prod. The comedy isn't funny and the creature of the feature is one of the worst I've ever seen. Truly horrible.

This movie does have a wacky story that could have been fun. A very cheesy and incompetent secret agent (with the greatest fake moustache I've ever seen) is undercover on a yacht that is transporting all of the fucking gold in Cuba. The captain of the ship, Renzo, is a dirty crook that plans to kill all of the Cubans on board and keep the gold for himself. Along with Renzo we have his very beautiful and very evil girlfriend Mary-Bell, her mentally handicapped brother Jack and their friend Pete who can somehow make animal noises. It's so fucking strange. Renzo starts killing the Cubans and blaming it on a creature. A creature from the haunted sea, you might say. The only thing is... THE CREATURE IS REAL! Real and really fucking rotten. This has to go down as one of the worst monsters in movie history. You barely see it and when you do, you wish you hadn't. It's down there with the adorable bunnies from Night of the Lepus.

It's boring, it's random, there's a scene where the bad guy's girlfriend just breaks into song. I actually fell asleep. Unfortunately I woke up by the time the song was over and finished watching this fucking awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: Actor Robert Towne, who plays the lead of the film, may not have had a successful acting career but he's written some good movies including Chinatown, The Yakuza and Mission Impossible.

Rating:
             Horror Film: 4
             Entertainment: 5.5
             Gore: 2
             Overall: 3.8

Friday, March 24, 2017

1 Jason Voorhees vs 4 Dracula

Jason Voorhees


Creator: Victor Miller, Ron Kurz, Sean S. Cunningham

Appearances: 12

Portrayals:
Ari Lehman (Child-Friday the 13th)
Warrington Gillette (Part 2)
Steve Daskewisz (Part 2)
Richard Brooker (Part 3)
Ted White (The Final Chapter)
Tom Morga (A New Beginning)
C.J. Graham (Jason Lives)
Kane Hodder (The New Blood, Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes to Hell, Jason X)
Ken Kirzinger (Freddy vs. Jason)
Derek Mears (Reboot)

Alias:
Jason

Signature Weapon: Machete

Location: Camp Crystal Lake

I was going to write a nice little paragraph about Jason and what has made him a horror icon. But lets just be honest, this is all you guys really need to see:


Dracula


Creator: Bram Stroker

Appearances: Countless

Portrayals:

Max Schreck, Béla Lugosi, John Carradine, Christopher Lee, Francis Lederer, Denholm Elliott, Jack Palance, Louis Jourdan, Frank Langella, Klaus Kinski, Gary Oldman, Leslie Nielsen, George Hamilton, Keith-Lee Castle, Gerard Butler, Duncan Regehr, Richard Roxburgh, Marc Warren, Rutger Hauer, Stephen Billington, Thomas Kretschmann, Dominic Purcell, Luke Evans and Lon Chaney Jr., etc..

Alias:
Nosferatu

Signature Weapon: Fangs

Location: Transylvania

Dracula is one of the original horror movie icons.  He has been around since the 19th Century when Bram Stroker released his novel, Dracula.  It feels like there has been a new incarnation of the character every year.  While many of those incarnations due not fit the mold, Dracula can you usually counted on to be a charming and charismatic character that has master the art of seduction, luring victims into a false sense of security before he attacks.  Dracula has also shown exactly how powerful he can be when provoked into a state of anger by his many adversaries.  Only the greatest of those adversaries were able to survive his attacks.




2 Xenomorph vs 3 Leatherface

Xenomorph



Creators: Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett

Appearances: 6 Films

Portrayals:
Bolaji Badejo (Alien)
Percy Edwards (Voice-Alien)
Carl Toop (Aliens)
Tom Woodruff, Jr (Alien 3 Onward)
Joan LaBarbara (Voice-Alien: Resurrection)
Archie Hahn (Voice- Alien Resurrection)

Alias:
Alien

Signature Weapon: Face-huggin' and Chest-burstin'

Location: Space

The Xenomorph is a pure killer.  Everything about the alien lead to the death of almost any living life-form that crosses its path.  Physically, the alien has razor-sharp teeth, long claws, and a tail that can pierce any skin.  The creature's blood is highly corrosive adding to the already impossible task of killing the beast.  Oh yeah, its reproduction process involves "impregnating" its host through larvae that attaches to the face and leaves an embryo in the body that violently bursts through the chest of its prey once its ready. Even at birth, the first thing the Xenomorph does is kill.

Leatherface


Creators: Kim Henkel and Tobe Hooper

Appearances: 7 Films

Portrayals:
Gunnar Hansen (Original)
Bill Johnson (Sequel)
R.A. Mihailoff (Leatherface)
Robert Jacks (Next Generation)
Andrew Bryniarski (Remake, The Beginning)
Dan Yeager (3D)

Aliases:
Bubba Sawyer
Jed Sawyer
Thomas Hewitt

Signature Weapon: Chainsaw

Location: Texas

Although Leatherface has always been portrayed as human, there is a really strong monster feel to the character.  And this is not just going off his appearance that is terrifying on its own.  The animalistic nature of Leatherface is what really makes him seem like a monster.  Tobe Hooper described him as a "big baby" whose two main motivations for killing are self-defense and orders from his family, who appear to have complete control over him.  The character has a brutality and grittiness that is unmatched by any other horror icon.