Thursday, April 26, 2012

Mr. Jingles (2006)

Director: Tommy Brunswick

Starring: Kelli Jenson, Jessica Hall, Nathaniel Ketchum

Run Time: 1:21

Review: Woah, boy. Where do I start with this hunk of shit? They couldn't have been serious when they made this movie. This has to be some kind of lame inside joke. It's really hard to review because you can comment on everything. Everything is bad. There are no positives other than it's funny because of how bad it is, but sometimes it's not even funny. It's just depressing. Every time I watch this (yes, I've seen it more than once) it gets worse, but for some reason I keep coming back. I can't beleive it exists. I can't beleive I own it.
The effects aren't bad once you get past the unclever magic tricks they try to pull off, but they eventually recycle axe kill after axe kill. The sound effects are terrible. It's like they're taken from cartoons. The gunfire sounds like capguns. Is that on purpose? Are they fucking with us?

The direction is terrible. Sometimes you can't tell what's going on in a scene and there's no fluidity between cuts. Annoying to watch, sometimes painful. Cut to a face shot, a pause... they deliver their line. Cut to another face shot, another pause... they deliver their line. Imagine watching this. Just imagine. It's disgusting. I wouldn't let the directer eat my asshole if they were dying of hunger.
The acting can't be described. It's worse than bad acting. It's worse than grabbing people off the street and putting them in a movie. It would be different if they were over-doing it, but this is genuine awfulness. In an awful horror movie you can sometimes get invested in a character even if they aren't the best actors, but in this it's just depressing. I can't really blame them because listening to the dialogue is worse than being raped by an AIDS monster, imagine having to say it. It's hard to keep track of the character's names because all the acting is equally terrible it just blends together to create a cluster fuck of poo.

The story doesn't matter. A useless, generic, boring slasher with no gimmick to make it interesting. It just goes from boring to bad to boring to bad to boring to really fucking bad. The only cliche that isn't found in this movie is the black guy doesn't die first because the black guy doesn't exist. "This isn't funny anymore!" "Come with me if you want to live." Yes. He says "Come with me if you want to live." Might as well have said "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker."
I find myself confused alot of the time. Why are they digging holes? Why are they doing this? Why is the only nudity an ugly emo fat bitch and a girl who has the face of a pitbull with the shoulders of Hunter Herst Helmsly? It took forever to watch because I had to pause it and process everything I saw. Really hard to follow.

All in all, it's so bad, and I mean soooooo bad, it's entertaining and fun to watch every now and again only because you know you could give any waterhead a camera and they'd create art compared to this unfocused, unoriginal, un-anything that's ever been good, mess of a pile of dog shit I have a hard time calling a movie. About half way through I was enjoying myself because of it's awfulness, then the novelty wore off and it just got boring. I know what you're thinking: "For christ sake, a guy get's hit in the face with a severed penis. How bad can this movie be?" Bad. The worst bad you can imagine. Please, if you see this movie anywhere, destroy it. This is the worst kind of awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: The actress who played Jen: Amber Whelan, did stunts for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and some Gerard Butler movie no one ever saw.

              Horror Film: 1
              Entertainment: 2
              Gore: 1
              Overall: 1.2 (and that's generous)

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