Friday, May 11, 2012

See No Evil (2006)





Director: Gregory Dark
Starring: Glenn Jacobs, Christina Vidal, Michael J. Pagan

Run Time: 1:24

Rant: WWE Films. Yeah. No expectations what so ever. I think this was their first movie. Should have been the last. Let's be honest, wrestlers can't act. No, not even The Rock. On paper Kane makes the most sense. He's basically a masked Michael Myers type of bad guy in wrestling, right? It would make sense for him to be in a slasher. He'd probably be the best fit of all of them. Problem is, he isn't wearing a mask. His face isn't scary at all. He just looks like a big dumb cunt with no eyebrows. If Jason didn't have a hockey mask or a burlap sack over his face and just had the retard face with the Neil Young hair, he probably wouldn't have caught on as well.

This movie has all the modern horror movie cliche's they've been trying to shove down our stupid throats for the last decade or so. Creepy children's song. Creepy old lady. Stereotypical dialog. "Can't a brother get some rest?" Jesus.

I actually like the idea for this. There's a bunch of kids from a juvie hall or something like that and they have to clean up a big abandoned hotel. A perfect setting for them to be picked off. Of course the hotel is where Jacob Goodnight lives. Jacob Goodnight... his last name is Goodnight. That's shitty. I made a promise that if Kane gave someone a choke slam I'd shut the fucker off, but luckily he doesn't.

There's no character that isn't an idiot. No one to root for. They all make me sick for some reason or another, besides maybe the one armed cop but he dies pretty early. Didn't see that coming. One person should survive a slasher. One. Anyone that says otherwise: FUCK YOU. It makes me sick when 2 or 3 idiots make their way to the end. Fuck that, that's lazy. It's not even the people you're supposed to want to survive. It's a fuckin pimp and his whore and some other bitch.

The gore is actually really good. I'm impressed, but that's about all this steaming pile of Sgt. Slaughter shit has going for it. There's some decent kills, but nothing really that great. It's going for the Saw and Chainsaw remake type of vibe, where everything just looks filthy. It's fucking horrible and nothing stands out. He has trip wires set up around the hotel to let him know what floor the victims are on. That's pretty clever, the Friday the 13th remake probably ripped that off. Other than that, this is a terrible awful horror movie.

Fun Facts: The working title for the movie was "Eye Scream Man." That would have been the icing on the cake.

Kill Count:
Officer Blaine (3:22) Killed with axe.
Hannah (30:52) Semi-choke slammed. I'll let it slide.
Williams (38:38) Stabbed with hook through chin.
Richie (45:00) Eyes ripped out.
Russell (53:12) Eyes ripped out.
Melissa (53:23) Eaten alive by stray dogs after being dropped out a window.
Zoe (57:38) Forced to swallow cell phone.
Tye (106:20) Crushed by dresser.
Margaret (1:10:38) Thrown into spikes.

Ratings:
Horror Film: 4
Entertainment: 4
Gore: 7
Overall rating: 4.7



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