Thursday, May 3, 2012

Thankskilling (2009)

Director: Jordan Downey

Starring: Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, Ryan Francis

Rant: This is another shits and giggles movie no one's supposed to take seriously. Why should they? It's a killer turkey that talks. So 5 dummies take are taking a road trip during Thanksgiving break. There's the fat guy, the jock, the nerd, the slutty girl and the annoying nice girl that adds nothing.

WHO WROTE THIS? IT'S TERRIBLE! I want whoever wrote this killed. The dialog is the worst ever. What happens is just stupid. It's like they just started writing any shit that popped into their head. The guy's parents get killed and he's going "Why God? Why? No more pumpkin pie! No more cranberry sauce!" Horrible acting. Some of the worst I've ever seen, I'm not exaggerating. There's a sex scene and they're fully clothed. Why? It gets worse by the minute. You think you're at the bottom and it keeps getting lower and lower. You can tell the movie was written around the one liners. "I'm gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce." Give me a fuckin break. If that isn't piss, I don't know what is.

The effects are horrendous. Some of the cheapest garbage I've ever seen in a movie. What isn't done digitally you could find at your local Wal-mart. I've seen Youtube videos with better effects. The sheriff has the fakest mustache I've ever seen and the turkey is a hand puppet.

This was made by rich kids with too much money and too little talent. It's a disgrace. The turkey gets shot into a garbage can that says "Radioactive Materials" on it. That's what kind of movie this is. One of the worst movies ever made. It rivals Mr. Jingles. I've never seen 2 one liners before you kill the bad guy. "Roast in hell!" and "Peck on someone your own size!" It ends like there's going to be a sequel... in space! Jesus Christ on a tricycle. This is garbage. You can tell it's supposed to be a comedy but they're just not funny. One the surface it sounds like the perfect comedy/horror movie that I would like, but it's just not done well at all. I've talked before of people cranking movies out and that's never been more the case than this one. Not even an attempt at trying to make a movie. This is a very very very bad awful horror movie.

Kill Count:
Naked Pilgrim (1:31) Killed with axe off camera. Gore Rating: 0
Man in car (26:14) Shot in the head. Gore Rating: 1
Johnny's Dad (29:41) Head sawed off. Gore Rating: 6
Johnny's Mom (29:59) Eyes gouged, throat slashed. Gore rating: 5
Random Guy (31:26) Throat cut. Gore Rating: 3
Ali (32:02) Neck snapped. Gore Rating: 2
Sheriff (36:22) Off camera, face cut off. Gore Rating: 0
Billy (46:36) Stabbed by gun. Yes, stabbed by a gun. Why? Gore Rating: 7
Darren (58:38) Tongue and heart bitten out. Gore Rating: 6
Johnny (1:00:41) Stabbed in chest. Gore Rating: 6

Terrible Lines: "Prepare to be dead."

Fun Facts: Director Jordan Downey is also the voice of the killer Turkey.

              Horror Film: 1
              Entertainment: 2
              Gore: 1.5
              Overall: 1.3