Monday, August 6, 2012

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)

"Starring": Bill Oberst Jr., Jason Vail, Baby Norman

Monsters: Zombies

Run Time: 1:36:04
Quick Synopsis: Soon after the battle of Gettysburg, Abraham Lincoln learns of a failed mission that would have led to the end of the Civil War.  When he decides to take a group of secret agents to complete the mission, he learns that an evil epidemic from his past may have returned.

Review: Everything you know about Abraham Lincoln is a LIE.  His mother didn't die of milk sickness and his father did not live to the age of 73.  It is all a damn conspiracy; his mother had become a zombie and his father killed himself because he couldn't live with this fact. All this would lead to making of one of the worst zombie movies I have ever seen.  Did you know that Lincoln's first true love was a whore named Mary Owens? Or that Mary Owens would take in a young orphan boy named Teddy Roosevelt? Or that they would be reunited near a Confederate fort infested with zombies? Well that's some of the knowledge you'll receive watching this movie.  Let's be honest though, none of this would matter if the movie was good; sadly its not. My biggest gripe with low budget films is when they try to reinvent the wheel.  For example in Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, the writer decide to develop the idea that zombies sleep standing up and they won't attack unless they are somehow awaken.  This takes all of the suspense out of a zombie movie.  There are actual scenes where the characters just walk straight through of zombies without any fear.  The only thing worse than the zombies is the Teddy Roosevelt character.  Why did the writers think he was a necessary piece to this story.  He actually finds a way to lower my expectations for child actors.  My only guess is that someone important asked if their son could be in the movie and the writers felt obligated to add his character. The acting is embarrassing, the plot is terrible and the overall feel of the movie is very similar to that of a high school play.  This is your typical entertaining but awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: John Wilkes Booth was a double agent, who worked for the Confederacy and used his skills as an actor to trick Lincoln into believing he was a member of the union. Yep.

Hidden Gem: Abe Lincoln tells a young Teddy Roosevelt to "speak softly and carry a big stick." Who knew it was Abe all along that was behind that great line.  Also fake beards, moles, and mustaches.

Total Kill Count:
Thomas Lincoln- Kent Igleheart (1:26) Commits Suicide Gore Rating: 3
Nancy Lincoln- Rhianna Van Helton (2:01) Killed by Scythe to Face Gore Rating 5
Major McGill- Chris Hlozek (10:30) Eaten by Zombies Gore Rating: 6
Captain Eckert- Jim E. Chandler (10:56) Zombie Attack/Decapitation Gore Rating: 7
Special Agent (16:55) Zombie Attack/Shot in Head Gore Rating: 5
Special Agent 2 (17:32) Shot in Back/Eaten by Zombies Gore Rating: 4
Special Agent 3 (18:22) Shot in Back Gore Rating: 3
Chris Pike- Eric Galloway (29:46) Zombies Gore Rating: 4
Annika- Anna Fricks (37:18) Zombies Gore Rating: 4
Robert Chamberlin (1:06:15) Zombie Horde  Gore Rating: 3
Special Agent 4 (1:07:43) Zombie Gore Rating: 5
Special Agent 5 (1:08:49) Shoots himself Gore Rating: 4
Special Agent 6 (1:09:11) Hit by Train (Really) Gore Rating: 2
General Stonewall Jackson- Don McGraw (1:22:25) Blown Up Gore Rating: 4
Mary Owens- Baby Norman (1:30:00) (As Zombie) Shot by Lincoln Gore Rating: 6

             Horror Film: 4
             Entertainment: 6
             Gore: 5
             Overall: 4.75