Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Land of the Minotaur (1976)

Director: Kostas Karagiannis

Starring: Donald Pleasence, Peter Cushing, Luan Peters

Run Time: 1:28

Rant: Donald Pleasence! Peter Cushing! Sign me up! You put Dr. Loomis and Grand Moff Tarkin in a movie together and it has to be great, right?!!! They're horror icons!!!

I have this peice of shit on like 11 different DVD collections. Figured I'd finally put it in and see how fucking terrible it is. This feels like a 50s or 60s horror movie. You think about some stuff that came before it: A Clockwork Orange, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Black Christmas, Last House on the Left, The Exorcist. Some hardcore shit happened in those movies. There's no payoff in this one. Nothing scary, no blood, no jump moments, no nudity. I'm sure the filmmakers knew they wouldn't make any money on this garbage. Why not go all out? Cut a dick off? Stick a broom stick up some bitch's ass? That's what I'd do. Not this shit. Who was this made for? As much as the director loves to show off these girl's legs, there isn't a nude scene. Why?

You won't get anything out of watching this. Okay, find the cave. Go down the cave. "Hey, there's something down there!" Get out. They go missing, talk to the cops, crazy lady that may know something, nothing interesting, nothing interesting, no one trying, no one trying, bad guys in robes, nothing interesting. I thought the minotaur was a statue, but I think it's supposed to be a living creature. It's not even laughable. It's nothing.

There's no reason to watch this unless you're a huge Donald Pleasence or Peter Cushing fan and you have to see absolutely everything they've ever done. In that case you've probably already seen it and in that case you've proably killed yourself. This is a disgraceful awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: The director Kostas Karagiannis, has directed almost 150 movies. From looking at his IMDB page, none of those movies have any worth.

Horror film: 1.5
Entartainment: 2
Suspence: 1
Overall: 1.5