Monday, December 2, 2013

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Director: Tobe Hooper

Starring: Marilyn Burns, Edwin Neal, Allen Danzinger

Run Time: 1:23

Rant: At the end of the day, this is a grindhouse flick. A damn creepy grindhouse flick, but apparently it had a little gimmick when it came out. They told people it was based on true events. Goddamn those true events! Everyone and their mother knew a guy who knew a guy who gave a handjob to the guy who was second cousins of the guy who knew the cop's brother, or some bullshit story. It's all made up. It was inspired by Ed Gein but Psycho was inspired by Ed Gein, that must mean Norman Bates was real, right? Fucking retards.

Monday, November 18, 2013

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953)

Director: Eugene Lourie

Starring: Paul Hubschmid, Paula Raymond, Cecil Kellaway

Runtime: 1:20

These assholes are in the arctic doing bomb tests. They call it Operation Experiment. Operation Experiment? Even 50's audiences had to have groaned at that. Maybe it's Operation X-Periment! It's as if the letter X was invented in the 50s. So they're up there dicking around until one of the bombs wakes up a dinosaur. A Rhedosaurus to be exact. Apparently the Rhedosaurus is the baddest ass of all dinosaurs because it can survive in the arctic, underwater and New York City. You would think if all dinosaurs could survive in every one of those extreme environments they'd still be around.

Most of the movie is a scientist trying to prove to people this thing actually exists, which can get boring. There's some cool footage of a shark fighting an octopus towards the end, but the final 20 minutes give you what you came to see.

The effects are fantastic. I love this style, it's alot of fun. Of course it doesn't resemble anything even close to being real, but fuck real. I didn't watch this for an interesting storyline or realistic bullshit. I wanted to see a fucking dinosaur destroy the city and that's what I saw. This is a wonderful awful horror movie.

Fun facts: Lee Van Cleef is in this movie. I had no idea. This son of a bitch was in The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, For a Few Dollars More, The Good the Bad and the Ugly and Escape from New York. Legend.

Monster Appearances

Film: 6.5
Entertainment: 7.5
Effects: 8.5
Overall: 7.2

Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Addiction (1995)

Director: Abel Ferarra

Starring: Lili Taylor, Christopher Walken, Annabella Sciorra

Runtime: 1:22

Rant: A black and white vampire movie that has Christopher Walken. Directed by Abel Ferarra, the lunatic responsible for King of New York, Body Snatchers and of course Bad Lieutenant. Sounds good to me. We've also got Edie Falco, Michael Imperioli and Annabella Sciorra for Sopranos fans.

This one's more of a drama but it's genuinely creepy. The dialogue is fantastic and the performances are really good. The only problem isn't really a problem, depending on how you're watching it. It isn't as scary as it is interesting. It's just a really solid vampire movie that focuses more on the... addiction than it does the horrors. The horror is more from the real life aspects in the movie like pictures of the Holocaust, mentions of AIDS and heroin use.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Don't Go in the Woods (1981)

Director: James Bryan

"Starring": Jack McClelland, Mary Gail Artz, James P. Hayden

Runtime: 1:20

Rant: It just fucking starts with white type over a black screen "Don't Go in the Woods," then the credits. No music. Nothing. After that it's just a mess. We're introduced to a bunch of idiots walking around the woods. There's some campers, some tourists, some hikers. They're all stupid, they're all unattractive, they're all borefests. I'm not interested in any of these cunts. It's so poorly done I can't tell if it's a murder scene or a guy tripping and falling or what.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Keepsake (2008)

Director: Paul Moore

Starring: Robert Pralgo, Sunny La Rose, Liz Blake

Runtime: 1:41

Rant: "Monsters aren't born... they're made." This fucking movie wasn't born. It was made, and not even a monster would create such garage. Not even a monster would unleash such a boring, cliched pile of vomited nothingness. This is about 10 to 15 minutes longer than the average awful horror movie and God help us, I'll never get those 10 to 15 back.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Christine (1983)

Director: John Carpenter

Starring: Keith Gordon, John Stockwell, Alexandra Paul

Runtime: 1:45

Rant: Another fucking Carpenter movie. I had my internet shut off so I'm going through the ol' collection. I'm sure like a lot of people, I thought the idea for this was fucking retarded. A killer car just doesn't seem interesting or scary. Either way, it's another one of those cases where you get two legends thrown together. From what I've read, Carpenter's 1982 classic re-make of The Thing tanked horribly at the box office and he grabbed this script as a job for hire. Whether it was a personal project or not, with Stephen King and John Carpenter, you know you're in good hands.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)

Director: Brian Katkin

Starring: Ken Shamrock, Matthew Linhardt, Samantha Aisling

Run Time: 1:30

Rant: Haven't done one in a while. Need to take breaks. Once I get back into it it's like riding a bike. "Oh, I remember why I don't do this on a consistent basis. Because they make me want to kill myself."

I guess the title is a joke on "Girls Gone Wild." Fucking hacks. You're thinking, "John, it wasn't hack in 2004." Yes. Yes it was. I was 13 in 2004 and I would have spit on this at Blockbuster. The tag line is "He's the death of the party." Why do I own it? Ken fucking Shamrock. I never miss an opportunity to watch an awful horror movie featuring a wrestler. I'm obsessed.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Fury (1978)

Director: Brian DePalma

Starring: Kirk Douglas, John Cassavetes, Carrie Snodgress

Run Time: 1:58

Rant: Brian DePalma's follow up to the classic 1976 film, Carrie. Why not make it about a psychic girl?

I like to tease DePalma. I'd definitely put him in my top 5 but he likes to repeat himself. This movie actually couldn't be any further from Carrie. If anything it's the action version. There's plenty of gunfire and explosions and car chases and all that shit.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Director: Ruggero Deodato

Starring: Robert Kerman, Francesca Ciardi, Perry Perkanen

Runtime: 1:35

Rant: I figured I'm having a good day. Woke up bright and early, got some exercise in. Why not ruin it? Why not watch real animals get killed in a crappy Italian horror film?

So a film crew goes missing in the jungle. Harold Monroe, played by Robert Kerman, goes in to find them with the help of two military guys. They discover two rival cannibal tribes and we see some gruesome shit. Eventually Harold finds out the film crew is dead, but he finds a documentary they shot and takes it back to New York. The second half of the movie is Harold watching the footage the dead film crew shot.

Violent Shit (1989)

Director: Andreas Schnaas

Starring: Andreas Schnass, Gabi Bazner, Wolfgang Hinz

Runtime: 1:13

Rant: Ah, Violent Shit. The infamous German horror series. The killer's name is the Butcher Shitter for fuck's sake and it's filmed on a camcorder. This should have been my warning, but this is a cult favorite for alot of people. I'll give it a chance.

We start off with a young K. The Butcher Shitter playing with a ball in his back yard. He walked into his home and begins walking up the stairs. This is the moment we realize what we're in for. This is the moment I know I'm going to want to kill myself before the movie is over. He walks up the stairs, looks directly at the camera and smiles a bashful little smile, then puts his head down like he's ashamed. He should be ashamed. Everyone involved should be ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself for not turning this hunk of shit off right then and there.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Awful 5: Movies that Scared Little Innocent Johnny the Most

I sat and watched Prince of Darkness for the first time about a week ago. To me it's the most underrated horror movie I've ever seen simply because it did something a movie hasn't done for me in a while. It fucking scared me. By the time I really started watching horror movies I understood it was all bullshit and Jason didn't really stab that guy in the cock with the harpoon and Robert Shaw didn't really get eaten by that shark. I love horror movies like Carpenter's The Thing or A Nightmare on Elm Street and plenty of others, but they never really got me. I love them for their effects and their creativity and performances, but there's some movies I watched when I was a kid that terrified the living shit out of me, and I'm not just talking about easy jump moments. Here's the 5 movies that scared me the most when I was young.

5. It (1990)
When you're a kid, you're assured of two things in movies: Bad stuff doesn't happen in broad daylight and children don't get killed. This movie says "fuck that" at the same time, in more than one scene. There are alot of people that are afraid of clowns, but there are very few killer clown movies that are any good. Killer Clowns from Outer Space is great but it's more of a comedy. Stephen King's It is by no means perfect, but it's probably the best killer clown movie out there.

4. Lost Highway (1997)
Not one of my favorites but I still like Lost Highway. In the middle it changes and gets away from one of the creepiest first halves to a movie I've ever seen. Bill Pullman plays a saxophonist named Fred Madison who starts getting these video tapes in the mail of some motherfucker in his house. Eventually he gets a tape of he and his wife sleeping in bed. That's frightening.

3. The Terminator (1984)
Call it an action movie, call it a sci-fi movie. This scared the living shit out of me. It's by far James Cameron's best movie in my opinion. Police stations are supposed to be the safe zone. I think that's what scared me the most when I was young. Go to the police, go to anyone and you're not safe from this unstoppable killing machine.

2. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Very disturbing movie. Everything seems fun and silly until you get into that tunnel and shit goes haywire. Why would you make a children's movie so creepy? Not just the tunnel scene, but the Oompa Loompas. Identical orange midgets that show no emotion and sing at the drop of a hat? That's terrifying. I literally had nightmares of them. Gene Wilder plays a really creepy character. You get the impression he really hates children. Also feels like they're hiding shit from you the whole movie. For a children's film it's not right. It's just not right.

1. The Exorcist (1973)
You can sit with your dumbass friends and rip apart any movie ever made for shits and gigs. After you see this little girl twist her head around, vomit on priests, say some foul shit and force her own mother to lick her pussy. After they have you expecting to see anything, Father Merrin and Father Karras are going to go up there and drive the devil out of this bitch? Everyone watching shuts the fuck up. This movie scared me as a little kid, and disturbs me as a dumb shit in my early 20s. This is probably the best made horror movie ever. It's not my favorite but it deserves any praise it ever got. I rewatched some scenes on Youtube to remind me of how horrifying it is and I literally got chills from that dream sequence of the old woman coming out of the subway. You can't not love The Exorcist, and if it doesn't scare you there's something wrong with you.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Duel (1971)

Director: Steven Spielberg

Starring: Dennis Weaver, Jacqueline Scott, Eddie Firestone

Runtime: 1:30

Rant: Steven Spielberg's feature length debut. Although not initially released in theatres, originally it was shot for ABC's Movie of the Week. It's classified as an action/thriller but anyone that's seen it would surely tell you it's a horror movie. A really solid one too.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Awful 5: Movies with Wrestlers

I give these cunts a lot of shit. They appear in way too many awful horror movies and a lot of the time it makes me physically sick. Every now and again you see a movie with a wrestler and it isn't that bad. Sometimes it's pretty damn good. Here are my top 5 movies that have wrestlers in it. I'm not counting The Wrestler or The Godfather. They have wrestlers no one's ever heard of or guys you never knew wrestled. Also, they can't just be a lughead henchman or something, like Sabretooth in X-Men or Bane in Batman and Robin. Christ, Batman and Robin was awful.

5. Hulk Hogan as Thunderlips (Rocky III -1982)
Thunderlips. It's such an awful name it's perfect. How can you not love Rocky III? Clubber Lang is such a cunt. The Thunderlips scene is kind of silly but it's classic and a lot of fun. Also, any movie that Hogan ever did after this was fucking mind numbingly painful to watch. Sickening. Sickening to the core.

4. "Macho Man" Randy Savage as Bonesaw McGraw (Spider-man -2002)
He's just playing Macho Man. No shit, it's what he's good at. Every promo he ever did looked like he was coked up, on pills and ready for heart-failure. It's how he acts as Bonesaw McGraw and it's brilliant.

3. Andre the Giant as Fezzik (The Princess Bride -1987)
The seven foot retard Fezzik. What more can you say? Great movie.

2. Jesse "The Body" Ventura as Blain (Predator -1987)
The Expendables of the 80's. Arnold, Carl Weathers, Jesse Ventura. Fuck, and it's a great movie. How the shit did that happen? This is by far the most quotable performance by a wrestler. "Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff'll make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus... just like me." Whoever wrote that needs some kind of award. Can't forget "I ain't got time to bleed."

1. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper as John Nada (They Live -1988)
Piper does a damn good job in this movie. It's by far the best leading performance by a wrestler. Carpenter can make a movie with a wrestler as a lead, and it is amazing. Too bad he couldn't do the same with a rapper. Ghosts of Mars was rotten, as far as I remember.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

House at the End of the Street (2012)

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Elisabeth Shue, and Max Thieriot

Homicidal Maniac: SPOILER: (Max Thieriot as Ryan Jacobson)

Run Time: 1:40:45

Quick Synopsis: A mother and daughter move in next door to a house where a double murder occurred four years ago.

I'm still not sure if this movie was bad or not.  (It definitely was not good) The acting was solid, especially the leads who all performed well with the material they were given, but something was just off on the overall feel of the movie.  The suspense just seem to come and go at the wrong times while relying on cheap scares to get a rise out the audience.  At times it loses its feel as a horror/suspense movie and more of a bad romantic drama.  I understand that the writers were trying to create some sort of empathy for Ryan (Max Thieriot) however, I just think that it was done poorly.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

Director: Rick Bota

Starring: Lance Henriksen, Katheryn Winnick, Christopher Jacot
Run Time: 1:31
Rant: Man of Steel will be hitting theaters in just over a week. It stars Henry Cavill as the baddest ass in the universe. The trailers look incredible and Cavill looks like he'll be a great Superman... it probably wasn't a good idea to taint him like this.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Prince of Darkness (1987)

Director: John Carpenter

Starring: Donald Pleasence, James Parker, Victor Wong

Rant: John Carpenter. Donald Pleasence. Should be the end of the review right here, but fuck it. I'll try to crank a few paragraphs out.

This movie has a really good epic feel. From the opening scene you know shit will go down. The music really helps. Obviously Carpenter does the score and it's fantastic as usual.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Rawhead Rex (1986)

Director: George Pavlou

Starring: David Dukes, Kelly Piper, Niall Toibin

Run Time: 1:29

Rant: If you were a demon around before the time of Christ, you wouldn't go by the name Rawhead Rex. I can't decide if that's a great name or a shitty one. There's something about it that's kind of amazing. Clive Barker wrote it as a short story. I love Clive, but you never know with movies sometimes. The Lawnmower Man was a great short story by Stephen King, but the movie smelled like shit.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Bad Taste (1987)

Director: Peter Jackson

Starring: Terry Porter, Pete O'Herne, Craig Smith

Runtime: 1:31

Rant: This is Peter Jackson's first movie. Not nearly as well known or well made as the classic Dead Alive, but it's really worth watching if you liked it.

It's shot like an awful "Drive-In Classics" type of garbage, that's thrown onto a 25 disc DVD case and sold for 4.99 at Wal-Mart. Obviously there's a lot of awful shots and good shots but either way it's a hell of a lot of fun. The effects are really good. Peter Jackson somehow meshes a really innocent type of humor with some of the goriest shit you can find and it really works.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Blood Shack (1971)

Director: Ray Dennis Steckler

Starring: Carolyn Brandt, Ron Haydock, Jason Wayne

Runtime: 0:55

Rant: This is a 70s drive-in shit stain movie. Absolutely worthless. You get nothing from watching this. It actually takes things away. Like self-respect and dignity and hope. There isn't a plot. A dumb ass girl goes to a guy's house and says "I'm gonna stay here for the night." She has the early 70s slut face. Like she's been listening to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida and getting stoned every day for the past 5 years. Wouldn't be surprised if she was raped in a filthy tent a few times. He tries to kick her out and she goes off about this stupid ghost that lives there. It's so bad it's sickening.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Scanners (1981)

Director: David Cronenberg

Starring: Jennifer O'Neill, Stephen Lack, Patrick McGoohan

Runtime: 1:43

Rant: You can't just watch stinkeroo's. You need to watch some goodies every now and again if only to keep from killing yourself. Everyone knows David Cronenberg. If not by name, you know the movies he's done. If they aren't the horror classics: The Brood, Videodrome or The Fly, there's the Oscar nominated A History of Violence and Eastern Promises. He's one of the best. He also happens to be a sick cunt. He could make a children's film and you'd still feel like some disturbing shit is right around the corner.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Medium Raw: Night of the Wolf (2010)

Director: Andrew Cymek

Starring: William B. Davis, John Rhys-Davis, Brigitte Kingsley

Runtime: 1:40

Rant: It's been like 6 months since I've ranted about one of these abortions. It gets to the point when you watch so many you start to get sick. Not because of the violence and the mayhem and the HORRORS! Only because these movies are so awful.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

V/H/S (2012)

"Starring": Calvin Reeder, Lane Hughes, Adam Wingard

Homicidal Maniac: Zombie-like Old Man, Naked, Winged-Creature Bitch, Some Other Bitch, Some Aliens?, A Camera Glitch, Some Cult Shit

Run Time: 1:56:13

Quick Synopsis: Six different short horror stories are presented from a POV-style perspective.


Had trouble with this review so I am just going to say a little about each story.

"Tape 56": So this was the main story that connected all the other vignettes to each other.  It starts with a group of dudes sharking some random woman.  And if that is not enough to show how hardcore they are, the next scene where they are vandalizing a bunch of shit sure will.  I honestly believe that the actors just wanted to break shit so they filmed it and added it to the movie.  For some reason it just annoyed the shit out of me.  Anyway they break into a house looking for a rare vhs, but instead find a dead man sitting in front of a bunch of tv's.  A bunch of them go searching through the house while one stays and puts on the first videotape, "Amateur Hour."