Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Medium Raw: Night of the Wolf (2010)

Director: Andrew Cymek

Starring: William B. Davis, John Rhys-Davis, Brigitte Kingsley

Runtime: 1:40

Rant: It's been like 6 months since I've ranted about one of these abortions. It gets to the point when you watch so many you start to get sick. Not because of the violence and the mayhem and the HORRORS! Only because these movies are so awful.

Picture this: Two white guys sharing a bed in the shittiest South Carolina hotel, right in the middle of a ghetto. We're flipping through channels until we come across an awful horror movie that catches our eye. Medium Raw: Night of the Wolf. Terrible title but who knows. Hmmm... some of these images look creepy. I like the feel of this. There could be something interesting here. Then you see him. Is that... yeah I think that's... is that Christian? The fucking wrestler? No, no, no! Anything but a wrestler! You scramble to get to a cell phone that has Internet access. You find the movie on IMDB and sure enough: Jason Reso, known to wrestling fans as Christian. Ladies and gentleman, we're in for a treat.

This could fool you into thinking it's an actual movie. Probably could have made it to theaters compared to some shit that does. You're introduced to a rogues gallery at an insane asylum. Reminds me a lot like Arkham Asylum. The only thing keeping it down is the acting. Boy, oh boy. What a mess. If the director had better actors or at least better dialogue, his shit could at least be passable. The picture is very clean, the music is alright and the imagery is nice. This had the opportunity to be a gem.

Title fools you into thinking it's a werewolf movie but it's not supernatural. Couldn't be any less realistic. A guy dresses like a wolf in this armor shit. Seems more like a comic book villain than a slasher. There is some good stuff here. A little girl gets hacked to pieces. You don't see anything but you hear screams and slashes and all that shit. The smoking man from X-files is in it. Always good to throw someone like that in. At least he knows what he's doing. Christian actually isn't bad. Call me crazy, but compared to a lot of these actors he's alright.

I'm semi-interested, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt... this is fucking boring. Enough of the children singing. It was creepy in 2002. Let's try to make a good horror movie instead of shitting cliche's on our chests. No one has a record player! Stop finding them in random places! You're being lazy.

An hour in, something finally happens. The doors to all the cells unlock and shit starts going down. This is when we realize the effects are fucking rotten. I take back any good thing I ever said about this movie. This is terrible. The dialogue is sickening to the core. Things don't make sense. It's like a bad play. I don't understand how to explain this to you any other way. It's not good. It tries to be funny in parts but it isn't. It couldn't be further from funny. It really has to be watched to understand how awful it is. They trick a 7 foot retard into killing an old black lady who happens to be superhuman because she can break grown men's necks with her bare hands and be stabbed and brush it off like it's nothing. That really happens.

The ending is a complete cluster-fuck. They go into this 'who shot John' bunch of shit about "Who is the Woodcutter" and nothing makes sense. You don't know if the lady and the little girl are still alive or what the fuck. Why is the little girl anywhere near a fucking insane asylum anyway. This isn't Cuckoo's nest, they put these cunts over like they're sick rapists and murderers. Nothing really matters with this movie. They're so many plot-holes it makes you want to throw up. The concept is great. A bunch of people trapped in an Arkham Asylum type of place with no Batman to be found. Scary. They shit the bed like none other on this one. Make it as confusing and have as much trickery and twists and bullshit as you can. Turns out the Smoking man's character was the big bad guy the whole time. He goes into his little speech at the end and I shut the fucker right off. Who cares. Fuck you, Smoking Man. Fuck you, Christian. This is a disgraceful awful horror movie. Straight to the shit barrel.

Fun Fact: Director Andrew Cymek also plays the lead in the film, Johnny Morgan. Does a pretty shit job, too.

Horror film: 5
Entertainment: 3
Suspense: 3
Overall: 4.0