Monday, June 17, 2013

Awful 5: Movies that Scared Little Innocent Johnny the Most

I sat and watched Prince of Darkness for the first time about a week ago. To me it's the most underrated horror movie I've ever seen simply because it did something a movie hasn't done for me in a while. It fucking scared me. By the time I really started watching horror movies I understood it was all bullshit and Jason didn't really stab that guy in the cock with the harpoon and Robert Shaw didn't really get eaten by that shark. I love horror movies like Carpenter's The Thing or A Nightmare on Elm Street and plenty of others, but they never really got me. I love them for their effects and their creativity and performances, but there's some movies I watched when I was a kid that terrified the living shit out of me, and I'm not just talking about easy jump moments. Here's the 5 movies that scared me the most when I was young.

5. It (1990)
When you're a kid, you're assured of two things in movies: Bad stuff doesn't happen in broad daylight and children don't get killed. This movie says "fuck that" at the same time, in more than one scene. There are alot of people that are afraid of clowns, but there are very few killer clown movies that are any good. Killer Clowns from Outer Space is great but it's more of a comedy. Stephen King's It is by no means perfect, but it's probably the best killer clown movie out there.

4. Lost Highway (1997)
Not one of my favorites but I still like Lost Highway. In the middle it changes and gets away from one of the creepiest first halves to a movie I've ever seen. Bill Pullman plays a saxophonist named Fred Madison who starts getting these video tapes in the mail of some motherfucker in his house. Eventually he gets a tape of he and his wife sleeping in bed. That's frightening.

3. The Terminator (1984)
Call it an action movie, call it a sci-fi movie. This scared the living shit out of me. It's by far James Cameron's best movie in my opinion. Police stations are supposed to be the safe zone. I think that's what scared me the most when I was young. Go to the police, go to anyone and you're not safe from this unstoppable killing machine.

2. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Very disturbing movie. Everything seems fun and silly until you get into that tunnel and shit goes haywire. Why would you make a children's movie so creepy? Not just the tunnel scene, but the Oompa Loompas. Identical orange midgets that show no emotion and sing at the drop of a hat? That's terrifying. I literally had nightmares of them. Gene Wilder plays a really creepy character. You get the impression he really hates children. Also feels like they're hiding shit from you the whole movie. For a children's film it's not right. It's just not right.

1. The Exorcist (1973)
You can sit with your dumbass friends and rip apart any movie ever made for shits and gigs. After you see this little girl twist her head around, vomit on priests, say some foul shit and force her own mother to lick her pussy. After they have you expecting to see anything, Father Merrin and Father Karras are going to go up there and drive the devil out of this bitch? Everyone watching shuts the fuck up. This movie scared me as a little kid, and disturbs me as a dumb shit in my early 20s. This is probably the best made horror movie ever. It's not my favorite but it deserves any praise it ever got. I rewatched some scenes on Youtube to remind me of how horrifying it is and I literally got chills from that dream sequence of the old woman coming out of the subway. You can't not love The Exorcist, and if it doesn't scare you there's something wrong with you.


  1. Willy Wonka? You faggot.

  2. Your little baby dick doesn't shrivel up when you see the Oompa Loompas?

  3. My dick is bigger than your right arm. The one you use to pleasure yourself every night to pictures of Augustus Gloop and his fat ass mother in the movie.

  4. First thing's fucking last, tough guy. I beat off with my left arm and it sure as hell isn't to Augustus Gloop, it's to Mr. Slugworth.