Friday, June 14, 2013

Awful 5: Movies with Wrestlers

I give these cunts a lot of shit. They appear in way too many awful horror movies and a lot of the time it makes me physically sick. Every now and again you see a movie with a wrestler and it isn't that bad. Sometimes it's pretty damn good. Here are my top 5 movies that have wrestlers in it. I'm not counting The Wrestler or The Godfather. They have wrestlers no one's ever heard of or guys you never knew wrestled. Also, they can't just be a lughead henchman or something, like Sabretooth in X-Men or Bane in Batman and Robin. Christ, Batman and Robin was awful.

5. Hulk Hogan as Thunderlips (Rocky III -1982)
Thunderlips. It's such an awful name it's perfect. How can you not love Rocky III? Clubber Lang is such a cunt. The Thunderlips scene is kind of silly but it's classic and a lot of fun. Also, any movie that Hogan ever did after this was fucking mind numbingly painful to watch. Sickening. Sickening to the core.

4. "Macho Man" Randy Savage as Bonesaw McGraw (Spider-man -2002)
He's just playing Macho Man. No shit, it's what he's good at. Every promo he ever did looked like he was coked up, on pills and ready for heart-failure. It's how he acts as Bonesaw McGraw and it's brilliant.

3. Andre the Giant as Fezzik (The Princess Bride -1987)
The seven foot retard Fezzik. What more can you say? Great movie.

2. Jesse "The Body" Ventura as Blain (Predator -1987)
The Expendables of the 80's. Arnold, Carl Weathers, Jesse Ventura. Fuck, and it's a great movie. How the shit did that happen? This is by far the most quotable performance by a wrestler. "Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff'll make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus... just like me." Whoever wrote that needs some kind of award. Can't forget "I ain't got time to bleed."

1. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper as John Nada (They Live -1988)
Piper does a damn good job in this movie. It's by far the best leading performance by a wrestler. Carpenter can make a movie with a wrestler as a lead, and it is amazing. Too bad he couldn't do the same with a rapper. Ghosts of Mars was rotten, as far as I remember.