Saturday, September 28, 2013

Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)

Director: Brian Katkin

Starring: Ken Shamrock, Matthew Linhardt, Samantha Aisling

Run Time: 1:30

Rant: Haven't done one in a while. Need to take breaks. Once I get back into it it's like riding a bike. "Oh, I remember why I don't do this on a consistent basis. Because they make me want to kill myself."

I guess the title is a joke on "Girls Gone Wild." Fucking hacks. You're thinking, "John, it wasn't hack in 2004." Yes. Yes it was. I was 13 in 2004 and I would have spit on this at Blockbuster. The tag line is "He's the death of the party." Why do I own it? Ken fucking Shamrock. I never miss an opportunity to watch an awful horror movie featuring a wrestler. I'm obsessed.

This will come as a shock to you but... this movie isn't very good. As a matter of fact I may even dare to call it a bag of pig shit. From the opening line "Hey... you ever heard the scarecrow legend?" Please, God. I need to hear the scarecrow legend.

We're looking at 5 grown men in their 30s that are hazing a few other grown men in their 30s. They're all supposed to be in high school. They're telling the scarecrow legend. It's fucking boring. Ken Shamrock opens the door. This is the part where he's supposed to steal the show. The one character has diabetes. I'm sure they thought it gave the character depth.

You know those big Halloween masks with the attached neck part? The attached neck part you're supposed to tuck in under whatever shirt your wearing. Yeah. Let's just leave that untucked.

I'm only 20 minutes in. Only 20 goddamn minutes in. Please, God. Please kill me. I have nothing left to say. It's all just... nothing. I know I say that a lot but it's true. It's nothing. The shithead with diabetes goes into a coma, there's a doctor who cheated on one of their sisters. It's just extra plot for no reason. There's a guy who breaks out the guitar and plays an entire song. NO REASON. They stand around smiling at each other. One of them even says "Pretty good." WHY? The lyrics are "So this is it, I got fed up with all your shit." That's fucking putrid.

I don't have to say the kills aren't good, the acting isn't good, the writing isn't good, the direction isn't good. You know this. The effects are horrendous. There's a boring fight between the scarecrow and Ken Shamrock. You knew that was going to happen. I couldn't even watch this in one sitting. I had to stop it, do something else, and come back to it. This is a fucking clustercunt of an awful horror movie.

Terrible lines: "Let me tell you something my daddy told me. You break your word... invite the devil." What?

Horror film: 3
Entertainment: 3
Gore: 3.5
Overall rating: 3.1