Monday, October 14, 2013

Christine (1983)

Director: John Carpenter

Starring: Keith Gordon, John Stockwell, Alexandra Paul

Runtime: 1:45

Rant: Another fucking Carpenter movie. I had my internet shut off so I'm going through the ol' collection. I'm sure like a lot of people, I thought the idea for this was fucking retarded. A killer car just doesn't seem interesting or scary. Either way, it's another one of those cases where you get two legends thrown together. From what I've read, Carpenter's 1982 classic re-make of The Thing tanked horribly at the box office and he grabbed this script as a job for hire. Whether it was a personal project or not, with Stephen King and John Carpenter, you know you're in good hands.

The best part of the movie is one of the main character's name is Cunningham but they call him Cuntingham. There's a lot of cunts thrown around the room in this flick. So the nerdy fuck, Cuntingham finds a car at some dirty old man's house. He buys it, despite what his friend says, and we go from there. After a while, Cuntingham starts to change. He doesn't give a fuck about anything but Christine. Obviously the old piece of shit is cursed or possessed or whatever the fuck. Either way, everyone around it dies.

It's a really fun movie, but it isn't scary so much as it is creepy. It's a subtle creepy, like the radio turning on at strange moments or lights flickering. The Carpenter score is great and there's a bunch of cool 50's songs playing throughout. It has good characters and solid performances all around. It also has what I've come to call "The Stephen King switchblade bully." It, Stand by Me and now this. Whatever the year, you're bound to find a shithead with a switchblade in a Stephen King piece.

I remember watching this as a kid on television and not hating it, but there must have been alot of stuff I didn't catch or alot of stuff they cut. Probably both. You'll enjoy this awful horror movie.

Terrible lines: "She looks smart, but she's got the body of a slut."

"I want to have deep, meaningful sex with her."

"Shut up, cuntface."

Horror Film: 7.5
Entertainment: 8
Suspense: 6.75
Overall: 7.4