Monday, November 18, 2013

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953)

Director: Eugene Lourie

Starring: Paul Hubschmid, Paula Raymond, Cecil Kellaway

Runtime: 1:20

These assholes are in the arctic doing bomb tests. They call it Operation Experiment. Operation Experiment? Even 50's audiences had to have groaned at that. Maybe it's Operation X-Periment! It's as if the letter X was invented in the 50s. So they're up there dicking around until one of the bombs wakes up a dinosaur. A Rhedosaurus to be exact. Apparently the Rhedosaurus is the baddest ass of all dinosaurs because it can survive in the arctic, underwater and New York City. You would think if all dinosaurs could survive in every one of those extreme environments they'd still be around.

Most of the movie is a scientist trying to prove to people this thing actually exists, which can get boring. There's some cool footage of a shark fighting an octopus towards the end, but the final 20 minutes give you what you came to see.

The effects are fantastic. I love this style, it's alot of fun. Of course it doesn't resemble anything even close to being real, but fuck real. I didn't watch this for an interesting storyline or realistic bullshit. I wanted to see a fucking dinosaur destroy the city and that's what I saw. This is a wonderful awful horror movie.

Fun facts: Lee Van Cleef is in this movie. I had no idea. This son of a bitch was in The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, For a Few Dollars More, The Good the Bad and the Ugly and Escape from New York. Legend.

Monster Appearances

Film: 6.5
Entertainment: 7.5
Effects: 8.5
Overall: 7.2

Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Addiction (1995)

Director: Abel Ferarra

Starring: Lili Taylor, Christopher Walken, Annabella Sciorra

Runtime: 1:22

Rant: A black and white vampire movie that has Christopher Walken. Directed by Abel Ferarra, the lunatic responsible for King of New York, Body Snatchers and of course Bad Lieutenant. Sounds good to me. We've also got Edie Falco, Michael Imperioli and Annabella Sciorra for Sopranos fans.

This one's more of a drama but it's genuinely creepy. The dialogue is fantastic and the performances are really good. The only problem isn't really a problem, depending on how you're watching it. It isn't as scary as it is interesting. It's just a really solid vampire movie that focuses more on the... addiction than it does the horrors. The horror is more from the real life aspects in the movie like pictures of the Holocaust, mentions of AIDS and heroin use.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Don't Go in the Woods (1981)

Director: James Bryan

"Starring": Jack McClelland, Mary Gail Artz, James P. Hayden

Runtime: 1:20

Rant: It just fucking starts with white type over a black screen "Don't Go in the Woods," then the credits. No music. Nothing. After that it's just a mess. We're introduced to a bunch of idiots walking around the woods. There's some campers, some tourists, some hikers. They're all stupid, they're all unattractive, they're all borefests. I'm not interested in any of these cunts. It's so poorly done I can't tell if it's a murder scene or a guy tripping and falling or what.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Keepsake (2008)

Director: Paul Moore

Starring: Robert Pralgo, Sunny La Rose, Liz Blake

Runtime: 1:41

Rant: "Monsters aren't born... they're made." This fucking movie wasn't born. It was made, and not even a monster would create such garage. Not even a monster would unleash such a boring, cliched pile of vomited nothingness. This is about 10 to 15 minutes longer than the average awful horror movie and God help us, I'll never get those 10 to 15 back.