Monday, November 11, 2013

Don't Go in the Woods (1981)

Director: James Bryan

"Starring": Jack McClelland, Mary Gail Artz, James P. Hayden

Runtime: 1:20

Rant: It just fucking starts with white type over a black screen "Don't Go in the Woods," then the credits. No music. Nothing. After that it's just a mess. We're introduced to a bunch of idiots walking around the woods. There's some campers, some tourists, some hikers. They're all stupid, they're all unattractive, they're all borefests. I'm not interested in any of these cunts. It's so poorly done I can't tell if it's a murder scene or a guy tripping and falling or what.

The kills are lazy. They do them offscreen and show you a bloody corpse a little later. Might as well be a mannequin covered in spaghetti sauce. About a half hour in, there's a kill you have to see. It's terrible. A woman is painting in the woods and he stabs her through the painting. All we see is quick splatters of blood and a hole in the canvas. Let's pop in the original Friday the 13th. Yeah, maybe for our standards it doesn't compare to even some not so good slashers of our time. Maybe the acting is horrendous. Maybe it gets boring in parts but THE KILLS ARE THERE. Fantastic kills. That's why that movie still holds up. Take Tom Savini out of the movie and Friday the 13th is nothing. Worthless. The twist is neat, the jump at the end is fun but without those effects it's a bag of severed pig clits.

I think... the killer... is a caveman. They don't go into his backstory or anything but maybe we're supposed to assume a timetraveler went back to caveman times, abducted someone, and let him loose in 1981. That's the most logical thing I can come up with. Why else would a lugheaded mongoloid be running around the fucking woods dressed in animal hide? I expected a Jason ripoff and instead I get Fred fucking Flinstone.

45 minutes in there's a piece of acting that has to be seen to be believed. What makes it worse is it actually seems like these wretched fools are trying. This isn't a horror/comedy. This isn't spoiled suburban kids in 2013 trying to make their friends laugh with "Tee hee! Let's make a movie with a killer dingleberry!" These are adults, in the woods, trying to make a real movie and it's almost sad. They're failing miserably.

Remember when you were young and you'd play "Killer"? It's easy, someone is the killer and everyone else is trying to avoid the killer. If you were ever "killed" by the killer, you'd just hold the stick or the pencil or whatever the fuck you used up to your chest and drop to the ground like you were dead. That's how this movie ends. Fred fucking Flinstone gets stabbed with a stick, holds it up to his chest and drops like a sack of shit. Pathetic. This isn't so bad it's good. This is so bad it's the opposite of good. As far away from good as you can get.

At the end of the day, "Don't Go in the Woods" should be retitled "Don't Go to Youtube Ever Again" because that's where I watched this, and some sorry fuckface decided he'd ruin some poor faggot's evening by uploading this and tempting me into finding a possible gem. Fuck gems. I don't believe in them anymore. I have a better chance of blowing a fucking load in Santa's asshole than I do of ever finding another one. Fuck Youtube. Fuck Santa. Fuck you. Do anything but watch this awful horror movie.

Terrible lines: "Hey, come out of there you jerk, you. Come out of there you pencil neck geek."

Horror film: 2
Entertainment: 3
Gore: 2
Overall: 2.2