Friday, November 8, 2013

Keepsake (2008)

Director: Paul Moore

Starring: Robert Pralgo, Sunny La Rose, Liz Blake

Runtime: 1:41

Rant: "Monsters aren't born... they're made." This fucking movie wasn't born. It was made, and not even a monster would create such garage. Not even a monster would unleash such a boring, cliched pile of vomited nothingness. This is about 10 to 15 minutes longer than the average awful horror movie and God help us, I'll never get those 10 to 15 back.

Why do they do this? Grab about 8 of the shittiest movies you can find, throw onto 2 DVDs and sell it for 5 bucks. At Wal-mart for fucks sake. 8 random, obscure movies no one has ever heard of and no one should ever have heard of. Then retards like me buy them for shits and gigs. Every once in a while they'll do what they did with this one, throw a classic like Night of the Living Dead in the mix. That son of a bitch is on about 2,000 DVD collections I have. 50 Drive-In Classics! 50 Grindhouse Classics! 50 Horror Classics! You're bound to find Night of the Living Dead on any of those wastes of money.

Alrighty, the bullshit begins. She gets in an accident, can't tell if she hit a tree or what, it doesn't matter. Bad guy comes, he has no tongue. Why? Who cares. Takes her to a gas station bathroom and handcuffs her to the toilet. Why? Who cares. Cop comes, he steals the cop's gun. The cop begs for mercy like a bitch. He kills the cop and stuffs the bitch in some barn somewhere. That's the first 20 minutes. It's not good and it's nothing we haven't seen before but compared to the rest of the movie it's Hitchcock.

So she has these dreams througout. Have I said this movie is boring yet? They're worthless and add nothing. It's supposed to be day three of her being held in the barn and she's seeing visions of zombies and shit. It's confusing and pointless. At this point you're begging for a rape scene or anything. Make me feel something! I don't care about these characters! It's a shame. The acting isn't good but it would be passable if the story had something going. The bad guy isn't scary at all. He doesn't act. He just does things with the same expression on his face. It's not even a scary expression. It's just a ho-hum, retard face.

Ah, finally something. 53 minutes in he kidnaps a different girl and cuts her tongue out. I'm actually rooting for this guy. Please, do more horrible things. I'd rather be one of his victims than watch this movie. Atleast I'd feel like I was alive. This movie makes me feel like I'm in purgatory.

I just don't understand it. Why would someone want to see a boring, watered down, less interesting, less scary version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre? For fuck sake, watch the remake. Hell, watch one of Rob Zombie's fucking stupid movies. Just in case you read this and you missed what I'm trying to tell you: This is an extremely boring awful horror movie.

Fun Facts: Actor Robert Pralgo who plays the bad guy in the movie had a small role in 2009's Oscar nominated "The Blind Side."

Horror Film: 4
Entertainment: 3.5
Suspense: 3.5
Overall Rating: 3.7