Monday, December 2, 2013

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)




Director: Tobe Hooper

Starring: Marilyn Burns, Edwin Neal, Allen Danzinger

Run Time: 1:23

Rant: At the end of the day, this is a grindhouse flick. A damn creepy grindhouse flick, but apparently it had a little gimmick when it came out. They told people it was based on true events. Goddamn those true events! Everyone and their mother knew a guy who knew a guy who gave a handjob to the guy who was second cousins of the guy who knew the cop's brother, or some bullshit story. It's all made up. It was inspired by Ed Gein but Psycho was inspired by Ed Gein, that must mean Norman Bates was real, right? Fucking retards.



Probably the greatest opening to a movie ever and I'm not talking about the creepy voice over the scrolling text. I'm talking about the poor fatass in the wheelchair trying to squeeze his little dick out to piss in a coffee can on the side of the road. Only to be rolled down the hill by a gust of wind coming from an eighteen wheeler. What a dip this fatass takes. I don't understand why they make the crippled kid annoying as shit, you almost want him to take a chainsaw to the tits.

So these idiots are on a road trip or some shit and they pick up a James Franco look-alike who starts acting silly and talking about bopping cows in the head with a sledgehammer and giving himself little cut-a-roos on the hand. What a creepy fucking sick shithead this guy is. It's so awkward and disturbing and the damn movie hasn't even kicked in yet. They're just giving you a taste of the genius this movie is.

Not too long after, we have one of the greatest scenes in movie history. One of the assholes goes to see if this old shitty house has some gasoline. He just walks right into their home after hearing what sounds like a pig squealing. He trips like a clumsy goose and gets bonked in the head with a mallet by none other than Leatherface. Then, big Leatherface gives him the ol' ground n' pound until the silly fuck stops convulsing. After that he slams a sliding metal door. That's it for that poor fuck. What a great scene. There's a nice subtlety through the whole thing you don't see a lot of in grindhouse movies. That's what sets it apart. That's what makes it great. Why the hell did it take until 1974 to make a movie about a chainsaw wielding lunatic? Just the sound of that death machine is terrifying.

This movie still holds up. The not so perfect video quality and the camera work gives you this feeling like you found some strange documentary. What surprised me the most after not seeing it for years was that they don't show you much blood n' guts. For example, Leatherface's first victim. It's the asshole who he bonked on the head with the mallet. He throws the guy's girlfriend on a meathook and as Leatherface saws up his body, all we see is the girlfriend's reaction. It's just as effective because of her performance, the editing and the way it's shot. This is a must see awful horror movie.

Ratings:
Horror film: 9
Entertainment: 9
Gore: 7
Overall: 8.5



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