Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Zombie Nation (2004)


Starring: Gunter Ziegler, Brandon Dean, and Axel Montgomery

Homicidal Maniac: Gunter Ziegler as Joe Singer

Run Time: 1:21:24

Quick Synopsis:  A pack of zombie woman come back to get revenge on a cop who kills the women he arrests.

Review:
What the fuck did I just watch?  I'm going to be honest, this is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever seen.  Both aesthetically and plot wise I don't think a movie could get much worse.  I am not certified enough to describe this movies awfulness.  I was truly dumbfounded.  I kept forgetting to pause during the kills to mark them down because I was just frozen by the awfulness.  It is below both the reader and myself to mention a single minute of the plot within this review.  Why is this on Netflix?  Why is this

Pumpkinhead (1988)




Director: Stan Winston

Starring: Lance Henrisken, Jeff East, John D'Aquino

Run Time: 1:26

Rant: It's called Pumpkinhead. I thought the son of a bitch would have a pumpkin for a head. He fucking doesn't. What the fuck?

Lance Henriksen gives a really good performance as Ed Harley, a simple grocery store owner in the country who's son is killed by inner city folk. He then goes through the rigmarole of finding the old lady in the woods and getting her to call upon the demon that will avenge his son's death.


Monday, September 29, 2014

Oculus (2013)


Starring: Karen Gillan, Brenton Thwaites, and Katee Sackhoff

Homicidal Entity: A mirror played by a mirror

Run Time: 1:43:57

Quick Synopsis:  Eleven years after the death of her parents and the institutionalizing of her brother, a woman attempts to prove a supernatural mirror was the cause of everything that happened.

Review:
There are a lot of ways a movie like this could have been done that would have made it horrendous.  However, to my surprise the filmmakers were able to avoid most of the bad ideas that usually ruin movies in this subgenre.  Most importantly, they focused on good storytelling rather than relying on cheap scares.  That is not to say the jump scares don't happen from time to time, just that this is much more of a psychological horror film than

Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Director: Tom Six

Starring: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie

Run Time: 1:32

Rant: By now The Human Centipede is infamous. If this were released in the 80s I'm sure it would get some kind of cult following but with Netflix nowadays anyone can pop this awful horror movie on and check it out. That's kind of disturbing.

Axeman at Cutter's Creek (2013)


Starring: Tiffany Shepis, Brinke Stevens, and Elissa Dowling

Homicidal Maniac: Scot Pollard as the Axeman

Run Time: 1:45:13

Quick Synopsis:  A group of friends take a trip where they find an unfriendly axeman.  

Review:
I'm sure I am not the first one to say this (you never know it might even exist already) but when are we as a society going to create a new subgenre of C-Horror Movies.  I mean it starts to become an insult to B-Horror classics when shit like this get grouped together with them.  I was trying to find ways to describe the awfulness of this movie a new way to spice it up, but couldn't think of anything special so I figured I would get some help from the writer/director Joston Theney.  On the website The Swerve Magazine, I found a nice little treat of an interview with the man.  Personally, I really thought this movie had to be a parody.  I

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)




Director: Coleman Francis

Starring: Douglas Mellor, Barbara Francis, Bing Stafford

Run Time: 0:54

Rant: "50 Horror Classics: Anniversary Edition" With such films as Nosferatu, Little Shop of Horrors, Night of the Living Dead and of course... The Beast of Yucca Flats. This fucking movie will kill your brain-cells. It's garbage.

It opens with the worst strangulation scene of all time. I don't even know what it has to do with anything. The actors aren't putting any effort into this movie at all. At least fucking try your best. The shootout scenes are sickening. You can't even call it awful... its fucking pathetic.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Darkness Falls (2003)


Starring: Chaney Kley, Emma Caulfield, and Antony Burrows

Homicidal Maniac: The Tooth Fairy

Run Time: 1:25:37

Quick Synopsis:  In the 1800s a woman is hanged after being wrongfully accused of murdering two children.  Before her death she put a curse on the town of Darkness Falls and has haunted it ever since.

Review:
As soon as you hear the voice of the man telling the origin story at the beginning of the film you know that it is going to be awful.  It wasn't that the story was all that bad, the guys voice just wouldn't be part of a good movie.  To put it bluntly, this movie is pure unimaginative garbage that tries to rely on way too many cheap scares to develop terror.  

Awful Series Review! A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984 - 2010)



Creator: Wes Craven

Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon, Johnny Depp, Mark Patton, Patricia Arquette, Lawrence Fishburn, Lisa Wilcox, Lisa Zane, Jackie Earl Haley


Best Film: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Official Awful Rating: 9.7



Worst Film: A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)
Official Awful Rating: 4.8


Most Underrated: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
Official Awful Rating: 8.1



Best Kill:
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Tina (17:23) Stomach slashed and dragged across the ceiling.




Rant: Well we've wrapped up one of the most classic awful horror series that exists. It goes without saying that Freddy Krueger is an icon. From his adorable Christmas sweater to his trademark glove, everything about him is so unique. As much as we love Leprechaun and Chucky, they wouldn't be shit without this guy. A kill here, a kill there, throw a few zingers around the room. What's not to love?

I've seen most of these movies plenty of times and yes, there are some stinkers, but they were all fun to watch again, and if you haven't delved into the Nightmare on Elm Street series you should check them all out. When I was a kid, I didn't know which ones were good and which ones sucked ass. I just rented them from the video store every once and a while and enjoyed them. Everyone is interested in their dreams and what they mean. Wes Craven's idea was simple but genius. What if when you died in a dream, you died in real life? That idea, along with creating a brilliant, memorable, horrifying and later hilarious character makes for perfect entertainment. I could literally watch all of them again, right now.

Now let's get down to business. In my honest opinion, as much as I love serial slashers and this particular series, if you only watched the original 1984 film, you could die happy. I love Dream Warriors, Freddy Vs. Jason and even Freddy's Dead, but watching them all really takes away from how horrifying of a movie A Nightmare on Elm Street really is. The original was actually the second or third Freddy movie I saw back in the day, and honestly I had already fallen in love with the character to be afraid of him. If you can somehow trick your mind into watching the original, and block out all the humor and charm of the sequels, you'll be creeped the fuck out. There wasn't any joking going on there. Freddy was as horrible as it could get.

As far as effects and kills go, this has to be the best series out there, possibly tied with the Friday the 13th movies. They all take place in your dreams, so anything can happen. Even in the shitty movies there's good deaths and wonderful creativity. Aside from Robert Englund's performances, it's the highlight of the series.

That about says it all. A Nightmare on Elm Street: A low budget horror flick that made a shit ton of money and a shit ton of sequels. It's my personal favorite horror movie and franchise and it will live forever in tapes, dvds, blurays, toys, costumes, all that shit. If another one comes out I'll be there in the theater waiting for more fun kills and crazy nightmares.

And I was definitely Freddy for Halloween one year. Sweet dreams, you cunts.
 
 


Thursday, September 25, 2014

Phantoms (1998)


Starring:  Peter O'Toole, Rose McGowan and Ben Affleck

Run Time: 1:36:17

Quick Synopsis: The small town of Snowfield, Colorado has found most of its population mysteriously wiped out.  Now a small group wants to find answers.  

Review: 
Just like Anaconda, Phantoms is a horror movie from the 1990s that combines an older actor giving a great over-the-top performance along with many well-known actors before they became well-known.  Unlike Anaconda these actors are have now proven that they know how to act.  While none of them will look back at the role they played in this movie and feel a great level of pride in their performance, they still helped to make the movie

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)



Director: Samuel Bayer

Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Kyle Gallner, Rooney Mara

Run Time: 1:35

Rant: Ah, the horror movie remake. This day in age we can't get away from it. Why be creative? Let's take a character or characters everyone knows and loves and make a new version. We'll not only make it new, we'll make it extreme! No fun, just brutality! Rape! Dirty fingernails! The fucking kids will eat this shit up. We'll do Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, Halloween, Friday the 13th. While we're at it, let's do A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Torment (2013)


Starring: Katharine Isabelle, Robin Dunne, and Peter DaCunha

Homicidal Maniac: The Family

Run Time: 1:20:12

Quick Synopsis: Things go horribly wrong as 7 year old Liam comes up missing while newlyweds Cory and Sarah head to the country for some family-time.

Review:
One line into the movie I knew that this was going to be one of the most annoying child actors that I have had the luck to review in awhile.  He truly does not have a single line that is not cringe-worthy.  He creates the perfect combination of high-pitched squealing and horrendous facial expressions to go along with an abysmal delivery.  Luckily for everyone watching he gets kidnapped 25 minutes in and we don't have to worry about him for awhile.  From that point on we have our standard home invasion movie.  There is

Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)



Director: Ronny Yu

Starring: Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Monica Keena

Run Time: 1:37

Rant: Oh how I love Freddy Vs. Jason. This was the first Freddy movie I could enjoy in theaters. There were "who's better" discussions to be had, and even standing and cheering when a good kill takes place. I was fucking 3 when Wes Craven's New Nightmare came out, but in 2003 I was almost a teen and craving new slashers. By that time, I was a few years into watching awful horror movies. I had seen all the Freddys and all the Jasons and all that shit. When I watched Jason Goes to Hell, admittedly I was disappointed... until the final scene. Freddy's fucking glove emerging from the dirt and pulling Jason's fucking hockey mask down into the ground. I'm pretty sure that could have been the first time I got an erection. I didn't own a computer back then so I wasn't on the internet reading about what was going on. All I knew was I watched Jason Goes to Hell in 2002 and it was released in 1993... WHERE THE FUCK IS FREDDY VS. JASON???!!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)




Director: Wes Craven

Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp, Miko Hughes

Run Time: 1:52

Rant: I think the official title for this movie is just New Nightmare, but what the fuck kind of title is that? I've always called it Wes Craven's New Nightmare. It just has a better ring to it. Of course you wouldn't call Halloween, John Carpenter's Halloween, but Halloween is a good title by itself. Just calling something "New Nightmare" is shit.


Penny Dreadful (2006)


Starring:  Rachel Miner, Mimi Rogers

Homicidal Maniac: Liz Davies as the Hitchhiker 

Run Time: 1:32:21

Quick Synopsis:  Years after her parents are killed in a car accident, Penny Deerborn plans a road trip with her psychologist in order to overcome her fear of cars.  Unfortunately bad shit happens.

Review:
I had first seen this movie when I was about 15 when ever it came out as part of the original "8 Films to Die For."  I really got suckered by that whole gimmick to the point that when I actually saw the movies I felt like I had been told Santa wasn't real all over again.  I was now a broken little teenager who felt as though he would never believe in a single horror movie ever again.  Obviously now I can see that I was just a little dumb kid who actually believed that a series of movies that were not picked up by any major production companies were going to be the greatest horror movies ever.  The problem with all of that was I could no longer be unbiased when it came to these movies.  It created a stigma on anything connected to the After Dark Films.  

Monday, September 22, 2014

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)




Director: Rachel Talalay

Starring: Robert Englund, Lisa Zane, Shon Greenblat

Run Time: 1:29

Rant: Let's get this out of the way quick. This is the first Freddy movie I ever saw. For that reason alone I have a soft spot for it. Don't get me wrong, it's an awful movie. I acknowledge that, but I get a nostalgia from it like none other.

This movie is a comedy. Yeah, there's some horror and gore in there but chances are you'll laugh much more than you'll hide under the covers. How does Freddy come back from the last movie? Who the fuck cares. I think we've already established he's eternal.

So our cast of victims this time is a bunch of kids in a youth shelter with all kinds of problems. I kinda liked it when Freddy would pick on the suburban fucks with perfect lives but what can ya do? We have Tracy, who was abused by her father. Carlos, who was abused by his mother. Spencer, who I guess is apathetic? And we have a John Doe who has amnesia and a history with Freddy.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)



Director: Stephen Hopkins

Starring: Robert Englund, Lisa Wilcox, Kelly Jo Minter

Run Time: 1:29

Rant: At this point we should be thankful Freddy isn't in space or in the hood. It's as if they took everything from part 4 and cranked up the mediocre-meter to 11.

So the two most memorable heroes of all time, Alice and Dan, are back and guess what? They fucked and now she's gonna have a child. A dream child, eh? At the same time, Freddy resurrects his mother in a dream so he can be reborn... What? Either way, Freddy has returned and he is fantastic as usual. Robert Englund literally cannot have a bad scene as this character.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Satan's Little Helper (2004)


Starring: Alexander Brickel, Katheryn Winnick, and Amanda Plummer

Homicidal Maniac: Joshua Annex as Satan Man

Run Time: 1:36:08

Quick Synopsis: A serial killer uses a kid to help him kill on Halloween.

Review:
Nothing like a kid who is a big fan of Satan.  You just not he is going to grow up to be a doctor or firefighter or a sociopathic murderer.  This kids got some real issues that his mother, played by Amanda Plummer doesn't seem to be too worried. (Come on, Honey Bunny)  Two minutes in he talks about how he's going to marry his sister.  Ten minutes in he walks away from his house to go look for Satan.  Fifteen minutes in when he thinks he found Satan, he asks him to kill his sister's boyfriend.  The competition, you know.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)




Director: Renny Harlin

Starring: Robert Englund, Rodney Eastman, Lisa Wilcox

Run Time: 1:33

Rant: This is the first Nightmare that really lets you know you're in the 80s. The music and abundance of montages really slap you in the face and almost physically hurt you. For some reason I've seen parts 4 and 5 about a million times each. I still can't remember which parts belong to which movie. We're at the point in the series where they're just cranking shit out. It's not good, it's not that bad, but there is some stuff we need to point out.

Friday, September 19, 2014

The ABCs of Death (2012)


Starring: Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Iván González, and Kyra Zagorsky

Homicidal Maniac:  

Run Time: 2:09:24

Quick Synopsis:  From the intro of the film: "The following feature film was created by 26 directors from around the world.  Each director was given a letter of the alphabet and asked to choose a word.  The then created a short tale of death that related to their chosen word.  They had complete artistic freedom regarding the content of their segments.

Review: 
This is a pretty cool concept in theory, but it not something that is actually a good watch in my opinion.  The biggest issue is the fact the stories have to be so short to fit all 26 in and that takes away from the overall quality of each.  Even though they cut it short, the movie still drags on to over 2 hours because of the large number of stories.  There are a lot of entertaining vignettes but nothing that is must see.  For something like this to work, the movie has to have those must see moments.  By the time I was halfway through I was ready for it to be over.  A lot of them had similar ideas which is expected I guess with 26 shorts but it starts to get old, especially the comedy. It starts to feel like someone is telling the same joke over and over.  Its not any single directors fault but I guess it says something about their creativity as a whole.  This is a great concept but a tough to get into awful horror movie. 


Here is my ratings (I tried to be fair due to the time available) of the 26 Stories with a brief statement about each:


A is for Apocalypse:  Quick and right to the death; had some humor to it. 6/10

B is for Bigfoot: Fun story with a little irony 7/10

C is for Cycle: Possible Alice and Wonderland reference? Predictable ending 5/10


Thursday, September 18, 2014

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)




Director: Chuck Russell

Starring: Heather Langenkamp, Robert Englund, Craig Wasson

Run Time: 1:36

Rant: It's time to get back to basics. We want Freddy Krueger killing motherfuckers in their dreams. Not any of this bullshit where some fuck thinks he's going crazy but in reality he's gay or whatever convoluted bullshit was going on in Part 2. This movie, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, is one of the most underrated horror movies I've seen. It isn't considered a classic because it's a sequel, but I'll tell ya, if you enjoyed the first Nightmare, you'll love this movie. Not as great as the original, but a fantastic movie nonetheless.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Devil (2010)



Starring: Chris Messina, Caroline Dhavernas, and Jacob Vargas


Homicidal Maniac: The Devil (teehee)


Run Time: 1:20:18


Quick Synopsis:  Five seemingly random people are stuck on an elevator.  One by one they start to die in mysterious ways.


Review:
I think this movie gets a bad rap from a lot of people because of the hate that M. Night has got going his way for the last decade or so.  Sure the Happening was bad and I've heard Lady in the Water was not much better, but that doesn't mean we should forget about what he had done before or what comes after is going to automatically suck. (Except After Earth there is no way that movie is good, haven't seen it but there is just zero chance I can

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)




Director: Jack Sholder

Starring: Robert Englund, Mark Patton, Kim Myers

Run Time: 1:27

Rant: Alright! How fucking amazing was A Nightmare on Elm Street? Scared the shit out of me, that's for sure. This is the sequel! We know how amazing horror movie sequels are, don't we? Twice the horror! Twice the suspense! Twice the gore! Twice the SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! This movie stinks like somebody pissed inside of a dead skunk's asshole. I would rather be fucked by Freddy Krueger with his disgusting, scabby, burn victim cock, than watch this piece of utter cat shit.

I think it goes without saying, if you were to ask me which was my least favorite of the series I would say Freddy's Revenge. For that reason I've seen it a lot fewer times than the others. That doesn't mean there aren't good parts. The school bus part at the beginning is really cool and Mark Patton who plays the film's lead does a pretty good job. Now on to the shit...

Monday, September 15, 2014

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)




Director: Wes Craven

Starring: John Saxon, Heather Langenkamp, Robert Englund

Run Time: 1:31

Rant: Halloween is just around the corner and I'm flipping all the switches here at Awful Horror Movies. I've watched a lot of shitty, repulsive piles of dogshit awful horror movies for this site and honestly, it takes a shit load out of you. You watch so much garbage it gets to be overwhelming. You get to be depressed. Literally depressed. Not because the subject matter is dark, but because the quality is so bad. I figured why not treat myself go through my favorite horror franchise. Over the next few weeks I'll be reviewing all of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I'll be doing the kill counts and terrible lines and all that good shit. We're gonna find out which ones are good, which ones are bad, and which ones are truly awful.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Ooga Booga (2013)



Director: Charles Band

Starring: Karen Black, Stacy Keach, Ciarra Carter

Run Time: 1:21

Rant: It's no secret Full Moon loves their dolls. From the wonderful Puppet Master and Demonic Toys to the not so wonderful Blood Dolls and Doll Graveyard. They're fucking obsessed. Strap in, you cunts. This movie is fucking crazy.

I don't know why anything happens. It's ridiculous. There's like a guy who dresses up like a pig for a children's show. He creates these toys... these horrible toys. They're all stereotypes. A cracker, a fag, a gook, a crack whore (those are the actual names) and of course Ooga Booga: an African with bug eyes, a spear, a bone in it's nose, and a cigarette. Yep. So the pig guy gives his black friend the Ooga Booga doll. Why not?



Friday, September 12, 2014

The Final (2010)


Starring: Marc Donato, Jascha Washington, and Whitney Hoy

Run Time: 1:32:45

Quick Synopsis:  A group of outcast students seek revenge on the popular gets that have tormented them throughout their school lives.

Review:
I wasn't expecting much at all from this movie, but came away pleasantly surprised. The movie revolves around a group of students that have finally time to do something about the constant bullying that they face on a daily basis in school.  While the whole "needs get revenge on the jocks" is not a completely original concept, there are many fresh elements to the movie.  The writers do a good job of creating ambiguity on who the viewers should

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Anaconda (1997)


Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, and Eric Stoltz

Monster: Anaconda

Run Time: 1:29:18

Quick Synopsis:  A film crew is tricked into attempting to capture an anaconda by an insane hunter.

Review:
What's not to like about a shit movie like this.  We got Jon Voight, Rocky Dennis, Jenny when she was from the block, Ice Cube before he sold out, Richie Rich's butler, and even a cameo from machete.  I am going to be honest for a moment.  As a child this was one of my favorite movies.  Not for the reasons that I love it today.  Instead I actually thought that this was a good movie.  Little twelve year old me sat there thinking I was watching a masterpiece.  


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

13 Sins (2014)


Starring: Mark Webber, Devon Graye, and Rutina Wesley

Maniac: George Coe as the Game Host

Run Time: 1:32:31

Quick Synopsis:  In order to win 6 million dollars from an anonymous caller, a man must complete 13 tasks.  

Review:
Everything seems to be going wrong for Elliot Brindle at the same time.  He lost his job, his father is being evicted, his brother is going to be sent back to the mental hospital, and he is about to become a father.  Plus his soon to be vampire wife could not even get her death on-screen. (Yeah I watched that awful show all the way to the end)  Obviously, Elliot is in a really bad place at the moment.  Maybe things will change with the next phone call he gets, crazier things have happened right.  Well over the next few days, the

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Kill List (2011)


Starring: Neil Maskell, MyAnna Buring, and Michael Smiley

Run Time: 1:35:37

Quick Synopsis:  A hit-man on his first job in nearly a year, finds himself losing his sanity as he tries to finish the final hit.

Review:  
I guess I should start off by saying that this film is probably not for everyone.  If you ask around, I am sure you will see about a 75/25 split where most of the audience believed that it was a great film, while the rest of the people thought the films ending ruined the movie as a whole.  Ironically, the ending is what makes this film a horror movie.  The first

Monday, September 8, 2014

You're Next (2013)



Starring: Sharnie Vinson, AJ Bowen, and Nicholas Tucci

Homicidal Maniacs: L.C. Holt as Lamb Mask, Lane Hughes as Fox Mask, Simon Barrett as Tiger Mask

Run Time: 1:31:44

Quick Synopsis: While celebrating the wedding anniversary of their parents, the Davison family comes under attack from a mysterious trio of masked men.

Review:
You're Next was what you could consider the "other" home invasion/survival film that came out in 2013.  While it was not as big of a box office hit as The Purge, it was a superior horror movie overall in my opinion, especially when you take budgets into account.  The movies greatest strength was the kill scenes. It is obvious that they knew what they were doing when it came to gore and making entertaining deaths for the audience.  There are really very few negatives that came to my mind while watching this film.  The acting is not great, but I would say that it was definitely above average for the horror genre.  A lot of the characters come off as arrogant, rich assholes but that's what they were

Friday, September 5, 2014

Pinocchio's Revenge (1996)


Starring: Rosalind Allen, Todd Allen, and Lewis Van Bergen

Homicidal Maniac:  Verne Troyer as Pinocchio

Run Time: 1:33:57

Quick Synopsis: A defense attorney acquires a Pinocchio doll from a client that was convicted of killing his son.  Soon the people around her start to come up injured and dead.

Review:
Like usual, no one in this awful horror movie is going to win any Oscars.  The first thirty plus minutes makes you feel like you are watching a Lifetime made-for-tv movie.  Other times it felt like an episode of Full House.  I swear Joey has a nice talk about Pinocchio with Stephanie Tanner 40 minutes into the fucking movie(watch the shit and tell me you don't see the resemblance...oh yeah that's right you never watched Full House...keep spreading that bull shit).  Sometimes the dialogue and mannerisms of the characters can become overwhelmingly awful.  Its pretty pathetic when an argument can be made that one of the child actors has the most skill.  However, once you get past these facts, you can see that this is a pretty well-written story.  The little added shittiness gives these movies character, you know.  

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Let the Right One In (2008)





Director: Thomas Alfredson

Starring: Kåre Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson, Per Ragnar

Runtime: 1:54

Rant: Isn't this adorable? Little picked-on, shit-assed Oskar has no friends. Not until he meets a nice little girl named Eli. What a touching scene they have out by the jungle gym. Almost makes you forget a strange Swedish man slit the throat of a boy and drained his blood into a goddamn cantine. How cute.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Stitches (2012)


Starring: Ross Noble, Tommy Knight, Eoghan McQuinn

Homicidal Maniac: Ross Noble as Stitches

Run Time: 1:27:01

Quick Synopsis: After a party accident leads to the death of Stitches the clown, the group responsible must now fend off the killer clown after he returns.

Review:
Whenever I am in a bad mood, watching a movie like this can cheer me right up.  The acting is bad, the story is bad, the effects are bad, but the experience is amazing.  To call stitches over the top would be as big of an understatement as calling John Moser's reviews degrading to the filmmakers. (promoted) This film has the greatest in-school day-dream sequence that you will ever watch.  Not to spoil too much, but someones balls are ripped off.  If you are going to make a shitty horror movie, this is how you do it: over-the-top with solid comedy.  Just like most of the low budget movies like