Thursday, September 11, 2014

Anaconda (1997)

Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, and Eric Stoltz

Monster: Anaconda

Run Time: 1:29:18

Quick Synopsis:  A film crew is tricked into attempting to capture an anaconda by an insane hunter.

What's not to like about a shit movie like this.  We got Jon Voight, Rocky Dennis, Jenny when she was from the block, Ice Cube before he sold out, Richie Rich's butler, and even a cameo from machete.  I am going to be honest for a moment.  As a child this was one of my favorite movies.  Not for the reasons that I love it today.  Instead I actually thought that this was a good movie.  Little twelve year old me sat there thinking I was watching a masterpiece.  

Anaconda has a simple plot with awful special effects and bad acting that perfectly fits the script of a B-movie.  Unfortunately for the people behind the film, the budget for the movie was $45 million.  Fortunately for the viewers, that was not our money and we can celebrate the awfulness that flows throughout the movie.  Putting Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, and Owen Wilson on a boat being hunted down by snakes just sounds like a bad skit from Saturday Night Live.  But this was real. The movie-makers took this shit serious.  They thought that they were making a good movie.  They were tricked just like little preteen Jimmy.  Luckily, Jon Voight appeared to be able to see how awful this movie was going to end up.  He saves this movie from being unwatchable by giving an amazingly entertaining and over-the-top performance as the main antagonist.  Everything from his facial expressions to body gestures is comic perfection.  This is the epitome of what I consider an awful horror movie.

Fun Fact:  The CGI for the anaconda cost $100,000 per second on the screen.

Hidden Gem:  Some of the strong language in the film was dubbed out order to receive a PG-13 rating.

Total Kill Count: 6
Poacher- Danny Trejo (4:31) Shoots Himself out of Fear Gore Rating: Offscreen
Mateo- Vincent Castellanos (39:58) Eaten Alive Gore Rating: 3
Gary- Owen Wilson (53:48) Eaten Alive Gore Rating: 4
Denise- Kari Wuhrer(1:05:34) Choked Out Gore Rating: 1
Warren- Jonathan Hyde (1:08:11) Bones Crushed Gore Rating: 4
Paul Serone- Jon Voight (1:18:36) Eaten Alive Gore Rating: 4

            Horror Film: 5
            Entertainment: 9
            Suspense: 2
            Overall: 5.25

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