Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)

Director: Ronny Yu

Starring: Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Monica Keena

Run Time: 1:37

Rant: Oh how I love Freddy Vs. Jason. This was the first Freddy movie I could enjoy in theaters. There were "who's better" discussions to be had, and even standing and cheering when a good kill takes place. I was fucking 3 when Wes Craven's New Nightmare came out, but in 2003 I was almost a teen and craving new slashers. By that time, I was a few years into watching awful horror movies. I had seen all the Freddys and all the Jasons and all that shit. When I watched Jason Goes to Hell, admittedly I was disappointed... until the final scene. Freddy's fucking glove emerging from the dirt and pulling Jason's fucking hockey mask down into the ground. I'm pretty sure that could have been the first time I got an erection. I didn't own a computer back then so I wasn't on the internet reading about what was going on. All I knew was I watched Jason Goes to Hell in 2002 and it was released in 1993... WHERE THE FUCK IS FREDDY VS. JASON???!!!

Apparently there was attempts to make a Freddy Vs. Jason movie back in the 80s, but Paramount and New Line couldn't agree on anything. Eventually Paramount sold the rights of the characters to New Line after that piece of shit Jason Takes Manhattan did horribly. At least something good came out of that fucking movie. So this whole time Sean Cunningham wants to make Freddy Vs. Jason but he can't find the script he wants and there's Wes Craven's New Nightmare and Jason X and blah blah blah. Eventually they find a fantastic script, and are ready to make a gruesome epic.

Ask anyone and they'll tell you this film's one major flaw: Jason is afraid of water. Honestly it would make sense, but the big son of a bitch goes in water almost every fucking movie. The writers of have gone on record saying that part wasn't in the script but in all honesty, it isn't like every one of these kinds of movies doesn't have a continuity issue.

Aside from that, the story is as close to perfection as you can get. Wes Craven's New Nightmare is in a separate universe and Jason X takes place in the future so we're gonna ignore all that bullshit. Last I checked, Jason is in hell and Freddy, while not really dead, has been forgotten about in Springwood. The fear gives him his power to kill children, so he resurrects Jason and sends him to Springwood to do work. The plan is for Jason to butcher a few kids and cause rumblings of Freddy's return. Once Springwood is afraid of Freddy, he can get back into their dreams and get their souls. The only problem? Jason doesn't know how to stop killing. He's killing all the kids that Freddy wants to kill and Freddy doesn't like it.

Jason has a ridiculous kill count in the movie. It doesn't disappoint in that regard at all. My personal nitpick is that Freddy only gets 1 kill. What the fuck? He never had as big of a kill count as Jason anyway but fuck, only 1? I counted 10 for Jason in the rave scene alone.

Ken Kirzinger plays Jason. Like everyone else I would have like to have seen Kane Hodder but Kirzinger does a good job. And as usual we have another cast of beautiful, fresh faced kids just waiting to be slaughtered. Let's be honest though, they aren't that important in this movie. Of course they matter in the story and all that shit but come on. We want to see Freddy and Jason duke it out and by Christ do they ever. It surpasses anything you could imagine when they're slashing and stabbing and cutting and dismembering each other. It gets a little bit over the top but what would you expect from the two most violent, sadistic, murderers there are?

There was no doubt in my mind who I wanted to win. As much as I love Jason and his movies, Freddy was always my favorite horror movie villain. Honestly, I knew even as a youngster that they wouldn't have a clear winner. You would end up disappointing fans and fans are the only reason a movie like this gets made. What I didn't expect was for them to make Jason a quasi-hero. That's how badass and evil Freddy is. He can turn Jason into a good guy. That doesn't mean Jason isn't at his best in this movie. I'm not exaggerating here. This movie probably has the greatest kill scene in history. The fucking guy is laying on his stomach in a bed trying to enjoy a beer, and Jason stabs him over and over again with the machete. Just when you think it's over, Jason grabs each end of the bed and folds it up on the guy, fucking pulverizing his back. When I saw the movie in theaters, I thought I'd seen it all, but this scene actually made me nauseous. It's so brutal and so violent I'm surprised they didn't cut it out of the movie. In 2004 movies were more violent than the 80s and 90s. It shows that you can make your Halloween remakes and your Saws and your Hostels but Freddy and Jason are still the kings of the genre. This is a perfect slasher and an excellent awful horror movie. Who knew it would be the final film in each series? Texas Chainsaw Massacre was remade in 2003 and Halloween in 2007. A few years later in 2009 Jason even got himself a remake. Would Freddy be next?

Terrible Lines: "Dude, that goalie was pissed about something."
"How sweet... dark meat."

Fun Fact: Ronny Yu also directed Bride of Chucky. While that movie has it's fun parts, it can't compare to Freddy Vs. Jason.

Kill count:
Crystal Lake dream girl (5:00) Stabbed into a tree with the machete.
Trey (13:28) FINISH HIM. Gutted and back broken. FATALITY.
Blake's Dad (20:18) Decapitated off-screen.
Blake (20:26) Slashed with machete.
DOUBLE KILL!!! Gibb/Rapist (41:05) Stabbed at the same time with a pipe.
Random raver (42:11) Head twisted 180 degrees.
Shack (43:07) Flaming machete thrown into his back.
Random raver (43:24) Chest slashed.
Random raver (43:26) Chest slashed.
Random raver (43:32) Chest slashed.
Random raver (43:51) Stomach slashed.
Random raver (43:54) Chest slashed.
Random raver (43:55) Chest slashed.
Mark (52:04) Freddy sets him on fire.
Security Guard (58:53) Crushed by door, off-screen.
Stubbs (1:01:53) Electrocuted.
Freeburg (1:03:33) Cut in half with machete.
Linderman (1:18:39) Thrown into a spike. Dies later.
Kia (1:20:22) Slashed with machete into a tree.

Horror Film: 7
Entertainment: 7.25
Gore: 8.5
Overall: 7.4

Check Out Reviews for the Rest of the Series Here