Saturday, November 29, 2014

The Greenskeeper (2002)

Starring: Allelon Ruggiero, Bruce Taylor, and Ron Lester 

Homicidal Maniac: John Rocker as the Greenskeeper (or maybe not wink, wink)

Run Time: 1:20:38

Quick Synopsis: Killer Greenskeeper: Enough Said

So this morning I was on the hunt for something really awful and that allowed me to come across this little gem.    So the movie starts with Allen Anderson in bed getting ready to get up...and then my mind is blown.  I say to myself, "this must be a dream," but I wasn't talking about the fact I was in a dream sequence.  I was talking about the man whole was now on my screen: John Rocker.  As a baseball fan, the excited that came out of me when I saw the horrendously awful human being and former pitcher John Rocker on my screen cannot be described with words.  When it comes to hate-able baseball players, John Rocker is hall of fame worthy.  Sometimes things are just met to be.  A minute into the movie my day was made.  The opening credits is the greatest compilation of corny intros that I have ever seen.  Whoever created this soundtrack better have job somewhere in comedy right now, that alone makes this movie watchable.  

The only thing worse than the dialogue of this movie, is the delivery of these awful actors.  But the acting doesn't matter, the dialogue doesn't matter, not even the plot matters.  Everyone reading this already knows where this review is going.  This is just pure entertainment through an awful horror movie.  The first death is Old Man Rivers in a flashback.  The editing is some of the worst I have ever witnessed, especially the cuts from scene to scene.  It had to have been mish-mashed together in 10 minutes.  Making the kill count was impossible because of the similarities of these nobodies.  As the movie went on it did become a little tiresome.  And the ending was so frustrating I started to get a headache.  Saying that, it was one of our bread and butter type of awful horror movie.

Hidden Gem: There is a reference to Close Encounters of the Third kind where Richard Dreyfuss is called Mr Holland, creating a reference inside of a reference.

Total Kill Count: 11
Old Man Rivers- William D. Johnson (16:47) Decapitated Gore Rating: 3
Chip- Kevin Greene (24:48) Golf Club to the Head Gore Rating: 2
Chas- Steve Rickman (51:48) Nail through the Head Gore Rating: 4
Tennis Player- ??? (52:40) Hung through the Neck Gore Rating: 4
Stu- Patrick Donovan (54:58) Drowned in Pool Gore Rating: 0
Chet- Michael Short (56:53) Balls Cleaned Gore Rating: 5
Mary Beth- Stephanie Bingham (57:25) Run over by Golf Cart Gore Rating: 2
Champ- Jamie Renell (1:01:20) Golf Hole Made in Back Gore Rating: 6
Mary Jane- Christi Taylor (1:01:20) Golf Hole Made in Back Gore Rating: 6
The Greenskeeper- John Rocker (1:17:19) Stabbed with Sprinkler Gore Rating: 6
John Anderson- Bruce Taylor (1:17:34) Decapitated by Mower Blade Gore Rating: 5
            Horror Film: 3
            Entertainment: 8
            Gore: 4
            Overall: 4.5