Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Director: Tom Six

Starring: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie

Run Time: 1:32

Rant: By now The Human Centipede is infamous. If this were released in the 80s I'm sure it would get some kind of cult following but with Netflix nowadays anyone can pop this awful horror movie on and check it out. That's kind of disturbing.

So these two American girls are vacationing in Germany and they get a flat tire out in the woods. Fuck, are they annoying. They start walking into the woods until they find this house. What horrible luck these idiots have. The guy who lives in the house just happens to be Dr. Josef Heiter. He's a surgeon who is well respected for separating Siamese twins, but he now has a silly little interest in joining two creatures together. He's tried it with dogs but fuck that. Why not try it with human beings? While we're at it, why not join human beings together ass to mouth? So instead of helping the girls with their car troubles he drugs them and ties them up. I believe the operation is about to begin.

Dieter Laser plays Dr. Heiter. He's genuinely creepy and does a really good job. With a movie like this you need a villain who can hold his own. The rest of the cast is God awful but I don't think anyone gives a fuck with this kind of movie.

Soon after he gets the girls he finds himself a lucky Japanese tourist who will fit right in. After he gets the guy nice and tied up on a hospital bed he proceeds to telling the three his master plan. Right now, anyone watching has one of four options.

One: Shut the fucking movie off.

Two: Die out of laughter.

Three: Become extremely interested in how this fucking movie is going to turn out.

Four: Acquire an erection.

Of course I was option three. The operation is to take three people and sew their mouths to each others assholes. Earlier one of the girls tried to run away so she was graced with the pleasure of being the middle piece in the centipede. Now you're reading this and you're thinking "John, if the mouth of the girl on the end is sewed to the asshole of the girl on the middle, and the mouth of the girl in the middle is sewed to the asshole of the guy in front, how do the middle and end girls eat?" Simple. The guy up front just eats like normal but when he has to shit he simply shits in the mouth of the middle girl. Once her belly is full, she shits in the mouth of the end girl.

The ending is insane. The image of these three sewn together and trying to escape will be burnt into my memory for the rest of my life. The Japanese guy eventually kills himself which leaves the two girls pretty much up shit creek.

This actually isn't a bad horror movie. Of course the subject matter is a little... extreme, but it's certainly unique. The suspense is done very well and the effects are gross. You'll be confused, you'll be disgusted, you may even chuckle a few times. It's The Human Centipede for fucks sake. A ridiculous awful horror movie.

Terrible Lines: "You are my middle piece!"

Horror Film: 6
Entertainment: 7.5
Suspense: 7.5
Overall Rating: 6.7