Friday, October 10, 2014

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)

Starring: Joe Estevez, Dan Haggerty, and Thomas Downey 

Homicidal Maniac: Chris Hahn as Paul Fuckin' Bunyan

Run Time: 1:30:03

Quick Synopsis: The legend of Paul Bunyan is real.  And he is a really mean guy.

My initial plan for this movie review was to mock the fact that there was no Babe the Blue Ox reference.  The movie starts with a big beast getting cooked over an open flame. A little later on the campers find a large horn.  Then thirty-seven minutes into it they actually show a monster-like Paul Bunyan grieving as he holds the skull of a giant ox.  I was loving the movie before this point but that just it over the fucking top.  These damn lumberjacks killed Babe. These damn lumberjacks turned a great man into a monster.  

Anyone who has ever scene a movie with a title like this knows where it is going.  The acting is shit.  The plot is shit.  The effects are shit.  None of this matters though, this movie is pure entertainment.  As long as you are not some asshole that goes into a movie called Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan is going to be an artistic masterpiece, you will be entertained by this awful horror movie.  

Fun Fact: Paul Bunyan created the Grand Canyon.

Hidden Gem: An early tagline was "The Axe Drops 2012." The movie did not come out until 2013.

Total Kill Count: 12
Crew of Lumberjacks (2:49) Axed Up Offscreen Gore Rating: 5
Foreman Bill- Dan Haggerty (4:03) Cut in Half Gore Rating: 4
Trish- Jill Evyn (40:26) Cut in Half by Ax Gore Rating: 6
Sgt. Hoke- Thomas Downey (42:26) Chopped In Half/Stomped On Gore Rating: 4
Zack- Jesse Kove (1:01:48) Babes Horn Through Chest Gore Rating: 5
Rosa- Victoria Ramos (1:12:01) Thrown at a Tree Gore Rating: 3
Marty- Cliff Williams (1:15:09) Shot with Shotgun Gore Rating: 4
Meeks- Joe Estevez (1:15:55) Decapitated Gore Rating: 5

            Horror Film: 3
            Entertainment: 8
            Gore: 5
            Overall: 4.75