Monday, October 27, 2014

Ax'Em (1992)

Director: Michael Mfume

Starring: Michael Mfume, Sandra Pulley, Joe Clair

Run Time: 1:11

"On a cold winter night, in 1990,
Mr. Mason, a mean and cruel
Towns man, left his job for Home.
After arriving home,
He took a shotgun
And killed his wife and
Kids. Then is mean man
Killed himself."

What the fuck? This is how the movie begins. They have more typos in that one piece of shit paragraph than an entire AwfulHorrorMovies review. "Then is mean man Killed himself." Are they fucking retarded? What kind of fucked up garbage is that? A fucking 2 year old could have done better.

The slasher sub-genre of awful horror movie is my favorite and least favorite type of movie. This is the third time I've tried to review Ax'em. If you finish this movie in one sitting you deserve an award. You can't hear a fucking word they're saying! The background music drowns everything out. It's just muddy shit in your ears that won't stop. It's the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced in my life.

14 minutes and 43 seconds into the movie... you can hear the director say "Cut." 21 minutes and 29 seconds into the movie... the scene doesn't have sound. 39 minutes and 3 seconds into the movie... they play the same exact scene twice in a row. Three strikes, you're fucking out. This is sad.

There is no story. It's a bunch of idiots sitting around telling jokes the entire time. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone involved in this never actually watched a movie before. It's that pathetic. There is no lighting. You can't see a fucking thing when it's night time. The fucking bad guy is a balding, heavy set man in a flannel jacket that makes Frankenstein noises. He doesn't even use an axe. What the fuck? I'd rather fucking snort shards of glass than watch this shit.

What perplexes me the most when it comes to Ax'Em is the fact that at one point in my life I rented it at the video store. How in the world did this piece of shit make it to the video store? I've seen better Youtube videos. I've seen local public access shit that had more effort put into it. You can't see anything, you can't hear anything. Anyone could make a better film than this. It might be the worst awful horror movie of all time.

Terrible Lines: "I don't know about ya'll but I ain't used to no old nasty, triflin' ass, dirty ass, ashy ass man chasin' me through the woods."

Horror Film: 1
Entertainment: 2
Gore: 1
Overall: 1.2