Monday, October 20, 2014

Blood Dolls (1999)

Director: Charles Band

Starring: Jack Maturin, Debra Mayer, William Paul Burns

Run Time: 1:24

Rant: This is the worst Full Moon movie I've ever seen. I find some kind of enjoyment out of most of their movies but this one is just a worthless colostomy bag filled with piss and AIDS jizz. Every time it tries to climb up the shit hill it ends up sliding down to the bottom. I hate it.

There's just too much going on. It's not even about the fucking dolls. There's this billionaire creep who wears a mask to hide his fucking teeny little bean head. He has a butler who dresses up like a clown, a fucking little midget dude with an eye patch and an all girl rock band in a cage. It's a fucking mess. It's like they tried to cram all the horrible ideas they had into one stupid fucking movie.

I don't even know what the plot to this shit is. Things just happen. With the exception of the clown-butler Mr. Mascaro, none of these characters are interesting at all. They're trying to be interesting but they're not. They just give terrible performances and do strange things. That just makes for a big pile of dog shit.

I can't stand this fucking band. They have such incredible lyrics as "Kill pussy, kill!" Fucking corny nonsense. They end up saving the day and escaping from their cage. Who gives a fuck?

There's more expository dialogue in this barrel of fuck than a goddamn Stan Lee comic. There's a guy who is going to become business partners with fucking bean head but we soon learn that the guy's wife is the real brains behind his fortune. That's fine, but we don't need the wife to say "I'm the real brains!" and "There is no we!" It's every fucking 2 seconds. We can see that with our eyes. You don't have to tell us. Who do they think is watching this? Fucking retards?

This movie makes me feel bad. I'm an enormous fan of Full Moon Features and I try to support the movies they make by telling friends and shit about them. What if my friends stumble upon Blood Dolls? What will they think of Full Moon? More importantly what will they think of me? "John, do you like this shit? This is trash. It's garbage." Fuck Blood Dolls. It's a disgraceful awful horror movie.

Fun Facts: Mr. Mascaro's clown makeup is identical to Jack in the Box from Demonic Toys.

Horror Film: 2.5
Entertainment: 3
Gore: 4
Overall Rating: 3.0