Sunday, December 7, 2014

Camel Spiders (2011)


Starring: Brian Krause, Thomas C. Howell, and Melissa Brasselle

Monsters: Camel Spiders

Run time: 1:24:00

Quick Synopsis:  Soldiers accidentally bring camel spiders back with them to the southwestern deserts of the United States.

Review:
Camel Spiders is exactly what you would expect from a movie titled Camel Spiders.  Which is trash, trash, trash! Garbage!  Fortunately, it is the bad enough to be entertaining, similar to a 20 car pile up that took the lives of everyone involved.  It has that SyFy feel to it, however, it was made by an independent production company, but I'm sure that they would be happy to add it to the channel's already elite programming.  My favorite part of the film is the completely unnecessary subplots that fill out the movie.  Every single
character has some annoying piece of shit story-line that will make you laugh.  They add nothing to the movie but I guess that the filmmakers thought that it would give the characters more depth.  Really though if this movie doesn't put a smile on your face, you take life too seriously.  Yeah the acting is complete shit and the plot is horrendous but it doesn't matter.  Nothing could take the smile off my face as I watched the movie.  There are just so many what the fuck moments sprinkled in. Camel Spiders epitomizes what I consider an awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: The US soldiers and Taliban forces were played by the same set of actors.

Hidden Gem:  To avoid the spiders, the characters hot-wire a truck and get away.  Later in the film the keys to the truck are clearly visible and its obvious they are being used to start the car.

Total Kill Count:
Taliban forces (4:00) Attacked by Camel Spiders Gore Rating: 1
Schwalb- Frankie Cullen (8:00) Shot/Dies Later Gore Rating: 3
Trent- Steve Snyder (16:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 2
Rick- Derek Hockenbrough (16:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 1
Wendy- Paula LaBaredas (17:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 3
Erin- Amber McConnell (19:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 1
Professor- Gerard Pauwels (21:00) Attacked by Spider Gore Rating: 2
Eddie- Paul Wallace (22:00) Attacked by Spider Gore Rating: 2
Tommy (28:00) Attacked by Spider Gore Rating: 1
Restaurant Customer (29:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 1
Brent- Steve Goldenberg (30:00) Attacked by Spider Gore Rating: 5
Jimmy Ray- Charles Solomon Jr. (39:00) Attacked by Spider Gore Rating: 1
Carl- Shay Baker (56:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 6
Will- Jason Greear (1:04:00) Attacked by Spider Gore Rating: 3
McNeil- Michael Swan (1:12:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 2
Joe- Kurt Yaeger (1:14:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 4
Cain- Cory Landis (1:17:00) Attacked by Spiders Gore Rating: 4
Movie Theater Goers (1:21:00) Found Dead/Spiders Gore Rating: 1

Rating: 
             Horror Film: 3
             Entertainment: 8 
             Gore: 2
             Overall: 4


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