Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Teeth (2007)

Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Starring: Jess Weixler, John Hensley, Josh Pais

Run Time: 1:34

Rant: This movie starts with a little boy trying to finger his 6 year old step-sister. Yep. I did some research before watching. Vagina dentata is something that actually exists in folk tales. That's when you have teeth in your vagina. I assumed some sick fuck invented that bullshit for this movie but apparently sick fucks have existed for years and years.

So Dawn and Brad are step brother and step-sister. When they're very young, little curious Brad tries to touch his sister's private parts but his finger gets cut. Years later, Dawn becomes a speaker for abstinence while Brad is your typical douchebag that only has anal sex with girls because of how traumatized he was as a child. Dawn falls for this guy named Tobey. Tobey attempts to have sex with her but she doesn't want to. He tries to rape her but her vag-teeth cut his fucking dick off. Then she cuts off her gynaecologist's fingers. Eventually she meets Ryan who seems like a really nice guy. They have sex and nothing horrible happens. She finds out that Ryan made a bet that he would have sex with her so, while fucking, she cuts his fucking dick off too. Soon after that, Dawn's mother dies and Brad could have prevented it. Brad is pretty much fucked at this point.

Naturally this movie weird as fuck. Not only because a girl has teeth in her pussy but the tone is just all over the place. Some scenes are creepy, some scenes are hilarious and some feel like they've been lifted from a Lifetime Original Movie. The performances are surprisingly all solid with the exception of Hale Appleman who plays Tobey and the gore is decent. It builds to a nice climax (tee hee) that you can see coming from a mile a way but is ultimately satisfying. This is a fucked up awful horror movie.

Terrible Lines: "I haven't even jerked off since April!"

Kill Count:
Tobey (36:46) Penis bitten off by vagina teeth.
Ryan (1:11:24) Penis bitten off by vagina teeth.
Brad (1:22:17) Penis bitten off by vagina teeth.

Horror Film: 6.5
Entertainment: 8.5
Gore: 6
Overall: 6.8

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