Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Finders Keepers (2014)

Starring: Jaime Pressly, Kylie Rogers, and Patrick Muldoon

Homicidal Maniac: A Guatemalan Worry Doll

Run time: 1:28:00

Quick Synopsis: A newly divorced woman and her child move to a new home with a dark past revolving around a triple murder and an evil doll.  Then stuff happens.

Overall, Finders Keepers is a mostly forgettable movie.  There are very few scenes that will garner any reaction from the audience.  Every scene has either been done a million times by better movies or have been done once before and never tried again due to its awfulness.  I honestly believe that this whole movie could be recreated with clips from other films.  The acting in the movie is not horrendous but no one does anything worth a damn either.  The transitions from scene to scene also feel a little off.  Something about them just feel amateurish.  Other scenes add absolutely nothing.  The combination of all these negatives just made the movie drag along much longer than a ninety minute movie should.  Looking for some positives the doll looked decently creepy and the little girl doesn't do too bad.  The connection created between the two is done too often.  Also it is nice to see Tobin Bell(/still alive) in a horror movie.  Still Finders Keepers is a plain, awful horror movie.

Fun Fact:  The house used in the film is an exact replica of the house in the film House (1986).

Hidden Gem:  The newspaper articles throughout the movie are filled with either complete nonsense or lines questioning why the reader is still reading the paper.

Total Kill Count: 
Zachary's Dad (1:00) Found Dead Gore Rating: 2
Zachary's Mom (2:00) Throat Slit/Offscreen Gore Rating: 5
Zachary's Sister (2:00) Found Dead Gore Rating: 3
Officer Cobbs- Joseph Gatt (3:00) Throat Cut Gore Rating: 6
Officer Adrien- Mercy Malick (3:00) Offscreen Gore Rating: ---
Carol- Mary Pat Gleason (23:00) Stabbed with Steak Knives/Blown Up Gore Rating: 5
Kathy- Trilby Glover (40:00) Thrown out window Gore Rating: 4
Janine- Marina Sirtis (44:00) Tripped Down Stairs and Stuff Gore Rating: 3
Ken Stevens- Mark DeCarlo (47:00) Stabbed Gore Rating: 1
Garbage Man- Steve Austin (52:00) Truck Blown Up Gore Rating: 3
Ofelia- Lauren K. Montgomery (1:02:00) Found Dead Gore Rating: 4
Jane- Tracy Mulholland (1:06:00) Found Dead Gore Rating: 2
Dr. Freeman- Tobin Bell (1:07:00) Stabbed with Scissors in Back Gore Rating: 4
Elena Carranza- Justina Machado (1:17:00) Caught on Fire Gore Rating: 3

             Horror Film: 4
             Entertainment: 3
             Gore: 5
             Overall: 4.0