Thursday, February 26, 2015

Monster Brawl (2011)

Director: Jesse Thomas Cook

Dave Foley, Art Hindle, Robert Maillet

Run time: 1:28

 a fucking wrestling ring in the middle of a cemetery. Classic monsters are going to have wrestling matches. Lance Henrisken is the narrator. Herb Dean is the referee. Jimmy Hart is the ring announcer. Kevin Nash makes an appearance. I knew this movie would be shit but I watched it anyway. What is wrong with me?

There's two divisions: Undead and Creatures. The Undead are The Mummy, Lady Vampire, Zombie Man and Frankenstein. The Creatures are Cyclops, Witch Bitch, Werewolf and Swamp Gut. All the make up and costumes look really good and the sets aren't bad. The performances are some of the worst. I'd go so far as to call it pathetic.

Basically they show a short film about whatever monster is fighting. Then they show their stats like height and weight and all that shit. After that the monster cuts a wrestling promo on their opponent. Then they fight and it's fucking silly as shit. Any time a monster gets a good move in you can hear Lance Henrisken say things like "Incredible!" or "Fantastic!" or "There'sGlorious combo!" That is by far the best part of the movie.

Herb Dean gets his throat cut during the first match so they just continue without a referee. When the Cyclops is beating up Witch Bitch her manager, a little person, runs into the ring and hits Cyclops with a steel chair. The Werewolf puts Frankenstein in a figure-four leg lock. Kevin Nash kills a man with a hatchet. These are things I felt like I needed to point out for no particular reason.

There's some gore but you would expect something like Freddy Vs. Jason. Instead these monsters are having fucking wrestling matches. Lock ups and leg drops and clotheslines, oh my!

This movie is garbage. You knew that. That doesn't mean it can't be very entertaining. This sounds ridiculous to say but it would be much better if they had cast better announcers. Jim Ross would obviously be ideal but I'd even settle for Tony Schiavone. Movies that fall under the "so bad, it's good" category aren't trying to be bad. When a movie is trying to be "so bad, it's good" they end up just being "so bad." This is a rare occurrence when a movie is intentionally shitty and it ends up being entertaining. If you like horror movies, wrestling and Mortal Kombat you'll probably find some kind of enjoyment out of this awful horror movie.

Terrible Line: "Cyclops wins... Mythical Laser Blast."

Fun Fact: Robert Maillet plays Frankenstein in the film. He was a wrestler in the 90s called The Kurrgan but he's also been in movies like 300 and Sherlock Holmes.

Hidden Gem: At one point announcer Sasquatch Sid Tucker (played by Art Hindle) says "I haven't seen an abdomen attack like this since King Hippo back in '88!" He's referring to the video game Punch-Out!! released in 1987 for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Zombie Man is billed from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where the original George Romero zombie movies were filmed.

             Horror Film: 3
             Entertainment: 7.5
             Gore: 6
             Overall: 4.8