Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Chain Letter (2009)


Starring: Nikki Reed, Michael J. Pagan, and Keith David

Homicidal Maniac: Michael Bailey Smith as Chain Man

Run time: 1:36:00

Quick Synopsis:  A group of teens are terrorized by a maniac because they refused to keep a chain letter going.

Review:
The best way to make everyone hate your movie is to end it without a conclusion or any type of payoff.  Everyone will hate Chain Letter.  This movie is truly made for the dumbest subset of movie fans.  Oh the guy who is sending the chain message, uses chains to kill people.  Oh there is a cult that hates technology that is killing people and taking the identities of FBI profilers and no one notices and this whole cult adds nothing to the film.  Oh the movie reveals all that in a Saw-like flashback scene that really does nothing for the audience.  I'm sure there is a market for that movie somewhere.  I just don't understand how someone could fund a script like this.  Someone put $5 million in to this idea.  The movie grossed $130,000.  This is in a genre where $50,000 movies can make $20 million.  How does that make you feel as a human being? The idea that you can be that much of a failure has to be depressing.  The gore is pretty good though and the acting does not insult your intelligence as much as the story.  Either way, Chain Letter is a purely awful horror movie.

Fun Fact:  Seven of the actors in the film played roles in other notable horror films.  The most notable being Brad Dourif (Child's Play), Keith David (The Thing), and Betsy Russell (Saw).

Hidden Gem: When the chain letter is first sent to the group of kids, Saw is playing on the TV screen.  

Total Kill Count:
Johnny Jones- Matt Cohen (28:00) Head Ripped Apart by Chains Gore Rating: 9
Dante- Noah Segan (36:00) Body Chopped in Half by Engine Gore Rating: 9
Rachel- Cherilyn Wilson (54:00) Head Struck by Chain Gore Rating: 8
Neil- Cody Kasch (1:09:00) Hook through the Mouth Gore Rating: 8
Kevin- Eliot Benjamin (1:14:00) Caught on Fire Gore Rating: 4
Detective Crenshaw- Keith David (1:16:00) Struck with Chain Gore Rating: 2
Jessie- Nikki Reed (1:23:00) Split in Half Gore Rating: 5

Rating:
             Horror Film: 3
             Entertainment: 3
             Gore: 7
             Overall: 4.0

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