Thursday, June 30, 2016

Pet Sematary (1989)

Starring: Dale Midkiff, Denise Crosby, Fred Gwynne

Run time: 1:43

Rant: I distinctly remember watching Child's Play and Stephen King's It when I was really young. When I watch them as an adult I can see their flaws but I still enjoy them a great deal and they're still two of my favorites. I always assumed I enjoyed those movies for nostalgic purposes but Pet Sematary proves my theory wrong. I watched it as a little boy and loved it but as an older gentleman and a man of great decorum... this movie sucks the shit out of my asshole. It's fucking terrible.

Now, the story (written by Stephen King) is excellent. A doctor named Louis moves to Maine with his wife,  their two children and their cat. The house they move into is right next to a busy highway and eventually the cat gets hit by a truck. Their new neighbor, Jud (played by Fred Gwynne) tells Louis not to bury the cat in the Pet Sematary, but at an ancient burial ground where some indians and shit used to hang out. Louis does this and the cat comes back to life but now it's a voilent, asshole cat. A little bit later their youngest son, Gage is hit by a truck. Louis, on the verge of insanity, buries his child in the indian burial ground and just like the cat, the little boy rises from the dead.

From what I understand the story pretty much follows the novel. I also understand the novel is pretty damn good. Where did it all go wrong? The performances and the execution. Some scenes are shot like a fucking slapstick comedy. There's a part, after little Gage is killed, where Louis' father in law confronts him at the boy's funeral. It should be a serious emotional scene. They start shoving each other and one of them actually falls and knocks the casket over. I'm literally laughing out loud when I should be in horror. It's like a fucking Three Stooges bit at a funeral. Later on, after Louis buries Gage in the indian burial ground, he awakes in his bed. But he doesn't just wake up. He does this whole routine where he bounces up and bonks his fucking head on the nightstand. What the hell am I watching? Fucking silly. Also there's a part at the end where the little ressurrected, zombie boy tries to kill Louis and it's obviously doll. They should have cut between showing the real kid and the doll or something. At least I could try to suspend disbeleif but they'd rather insult my fucking intelligence.

God bless them for casting a 2 year old to play the part of Gage, when they could have easily made the character a few years older. Miko Hughes playes the little guy. I though he did a good job in Wes Craven's New Nightmare as Heather Langenkamp's son, Dylan. You can't really fault him for his performance in this movie since HE'S FUCKING 2! The daughter, Ellie is atrocious. Once again, she's just a kid. The rest of the cast have no fucking excuse. Dale Midkift plays Louis and he's simply horrible. There are some serious scenes in this movie where he really made me laugh. Fred Gwynne is solid and there's like a transvestite thing with spinal meningitis that pops in every now and again who does a good job.

Mary Lambert is the director and I'd actually never heard of her. Maybe it's because her only other movies I've heard of are Pet Semetary II and Halloweentown II: Kalbar's Revenge. Maybe I'll get around to doing a Halloweentown Series Review, but I highly doubt it. This film was just dissapointing and borderline heartbreaking. At the end of the day, it's an awful horror movie that deserves a remake.

Fun Fact: George Romero was supposed to direct this movie but dropped out when filming was delayed. Oh, what could have been.

Rating:
             Horror Film: 5.5
             Entertainment: 7
             Gore: 4
             Overall: 5.5

Monday, June 13, 2016

A Serbian Film (2010)

Director: Srdjan Spasojevic

Starring: Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic, Jelena Gavrilovic

Run time: 1:44

Rant: This is one of those movies that you watch and you make sure you pray before you go to bed. You have to tell God "It's only a movie. Please don't send me to hell for this."

I stand by my statement that Human Centipede is a good horror flick if you take out some of the over the top elements. But is the suspense and horror you feel a direct result of how extreme the movie is? It's a good question, I think. A Serbian Film is a well made film. If it was horribly acted and horribly directed it would be a cult classic but it isn't. It's one of those movies that people refuse to watch. And the ones that do watch it either feel sick, or enjoy it. The people who enjoy it are the kind of people who molest the cat and kick the dog and I don't want to be around those people.

Our main character, Milos is a pretty likable guy. He's a retired pornstar who's settled down with a wife and a kid. You get the feeling that he genuinely doesn't want to go back to making porn movies but he has to because he's offered a shitload of money. Apparently Milos is the second coming when it comes to male pornstars. As Quentin would say he's a John Holmes motherfucker. 

30 minutes in. This movie pretty damn interesting and pretty damn sexy. The rest of the movie... well it isn't sexy. It takes it's time. Which I didn't expect. Milos gets blown while looking at videos of an underage girl. Then his brother gets blown while watching family videos. Yep. He's watching video of his nephew's birthday party while a hooker sucks his cock. So we've established that Milos' brother is a creep.

45 minutes in. We're getting somewhere. A little punching of the lady in the face while she's crying and blowing you. I think we've all been there. This is the only movie I've ever seen where a disturbing dream sequence takes place, then something happens in reality that's worse than the dream.

60 minutes in. Shit just goes crazy. We have the infamous Newborn Porn scene. We have a beheading with a machete. Even Milos himself gets raped. It just turns into a goddamn clusterfuck. The bad guy drugs Milos and and we're told the rest of the story through flashbacks from pieces of film he finds and through memories he's slowly putting together. It's just an old fashioned living nightmare building up to reveal that Milos in fact unwillingly raped his own son. Yep. He also watched as his brother raped his wife. 

I don't really know or care how ratings systems work or anything. I watched Child's Play and shit like that when I was little and I really don't think horror movies in general effect a young kid. That being said I wouldn't let an adult watch this movie. Nope. This is a Serbian awful horror movie.


Terrible Line: "It's like a cartoon for grownups."

Rating:
             Horror Film: 6
             Entertainment: 5
             Gore: 8
             Overall: 6.2

Sunday, June 12, 2016

It Follows (2014)



Starring: Maika Monroe, Keir Gilchrist, and Daniel Zovatto

Homicidal Maniac: The Follow Played by Everyone

Run time: 01:40:00

Quick Synopsis: A woman is passed a curse through sex and now, with the help of her friends, she must find a way to stop it. (Wow is this a shitty, lazy synopsis from me)

Review:
Going in the movie, all I knew about It Follows was the movie description and the discrepancy between the critics rating (97% on Rotten Tomatoes) and the audience rating (6.9 on IMDB).  I then made the assumption that the film would be similar to The Babadook (check that review here), which had a lot of symbolism and an average to above average story.  The symbolism is definitely there, however, the story is better in my opinion.  The story is pretty simple, but usually that is the best way to go honestly. The entire cast gives a solid performance, even if none of them really stick out or steal the show.  The Follower could have easily come off as silly but for the most part it walks the line perfectly and often times elicits some real fear.  The overall feeling of dread the film creates definitely helps in developing that fear.  When looking a little deeper the Follower represents, rather obviously, an STD and the effects of living with one.  It can also be argued the follower represents death in general.  I'm sure someone else who cares more has written a much more informative and interesting review of this shit.  Either way, the film is well-made (both in a literal and figurative sense) and no one can consider it an awful horror movie. 

Fun Fact: Jay was named after Jaime Lee Curtis by the filmmakers.  Director David Robert Mitchell has stated that John Carpenter's films had a major influence on the style and creative decision in the film.

Hidden Gem:  The theater that Jay and Hugh go to during their date is the Redford Theatre in Detroit, which is the theater where the Evil Dead premiered.  

Total Kill Count: 2
Annie- Bailey Spry (03:00) Disfigured Gore Rating: 8
Greg- Daniel Zovatto (01:12:00) Fucked to Death Gore Rating: 6
Rating: 
             Horror Film: 8
             Entertainment: 7
             Suspense: 8
             Overall: 7.75

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Guinea Pig 2: Flower of Flesh and Blood (1985)



Director: Hideshi Hino

Starring: Hiroshi Tamura, Kirara Yugao

Run time: 43 minutes

Rant: This is a "faked" or "worked" snuff film. If your dick gets hard watching a young lady be kidnapped, mutilated and murdered and you don't wanna break the law, this movie is for you. I guess you're supposed to watch this while milking the last drops of cum from your disturbed cock. I watched it with a glass of wine and a cigarette and I gotta tell ya, the effects are good but they would have been better if there was a story. Even a fucking inkling of a story. 

The first five minutes: a guy kidnaps a lady.

The remaining 35 minutes: the guy tortures the lady.

Curtains.

Hopefully this ol' flick will suffice a sicko out there that needs to get his rocks off and hopefully he doesn't go out and harm an actual human being. He can live vicariously through this movie. That's about all the positive I can get out of this shit. I don't know. I love gore. I love depraved shit. But you gotta make it mean something. It has to matter. This movie is just a bowl of shit with a few sprinkles of parmesan cheese. I guess it's better than nothing. They certainly shoot for the stars. This is a pointless awful horror movie.


Fun Fact: In 1991 after watching this movie, Charlie Sheen thought it was a real snuff film and contacted the FBI.

Rating:
             Horror Film: 3
             Entertainment: 5
             Gore: 9
             Overall: 5.0

Friday, June 10, 2016

Begotten (1990)



Director: E. Elias Merhige

Starring: Brian Salzberg, Donna Dempsey, Stephen Charles Barry

Run time: 1:12

Rant:
This movie is good if your brain needs a good tickle. There aren't any words. Creepy shit just fucking happens. I guess maybe there's sort of a story if you read the plot on Wikipedia. If you haven't, it's just shit happening. Which is okay with me if it keeps your interest and this movie certainly keeps your interest.
So this creepy looking person/thing with a thing for a face is shaking and convulsing and hacking away at itself with some kind of weapon. Eventually it dies and a lady appears. Then we're outside where these Tusken Raider looking guys are gonna kill another shaking person/thing. It kills the thing and then more fucking creepy things happen. It's just fucking things and person/things with fucking stuff and things. The film quality is purposely shitty and it adds to the atmosphere. There isn't any music but there's like rhythmic natural sounds that are disturbing. Listen to enough of that shit while looking at these cooky visuals and you'll get nauseous.

This movie is every edgy, avant-garde video you've ever seen on Youtube. Everyone who's ever done anything random and strange and creepy watched this shit. It's fucking sickening. I enjoyed Begotten but there's a chunk in the middle that really bored me. I honestly can't get the opening sequence out of my head. I wish there was more stuff like that in the movie. So fucking weird. Overall I could see this as a pretty forgettable movie with the exception of some very memorable and disturbing images I will never ever forget. Begotten is a very different awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: To make the film quality look crappier, Writer/Director E. Elias Merhige would sometimes run the negatives through sandpaper.

Rating:
             Horror Film: 7
             Entertainment: 8
             Gore: 8
             Overall: 7.5

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)



Starring: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, John Gallagher Jr. and John Goodman

Homicidal Maniac: Aliens and John Goodman as Howard

Run time: 1:43:00

Quick Synopsis: After a car accident, a woman finds herself locked in a bomb shelter as the world goes to shit or so she has been told by the two men in the shelter with her.

Review:
I haven't seen Cloverfield since its release in 2008 and I remember my feelings at the time being that I enjoyed the ride throughout, but was not a huge fan of the reveal of the monster.  This time around I had similar feelings (for mostly different reasons) watching 10 Cloverfield Lane, which J.J. Abrams has described as a relative to the original film.  The first hour plus of the film is extremely well done and entertaining.  John Goodman is brilliant as a creepy and multifaceted antagonist for the the other two characters, who also give solid performance.  The three have great chemistry throughout that helps the audience feel the same terror as the protagonists every time Goodman's character explodes.  Add in the mystery of what exactly is going on outside, though some of that is spoiled by the film's title, and you have a near perfect movie.  

This whole review probably feels like a set-up to a complete bashing of the films ending, but that is not really what I want to do honestly.  There is just something that so silly about it.  The transfer in tone was so massive it takes you out of the film a little bit.  Still its hard for me to say the ending was horrendous.  It did, however, bring down an otherwise amazing awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: The original script for the film was titled "The Cellar" and was in no way connected to Cloverfield (2008).  Bad Robot acquired the rights to the script and made changes to create the connection.

Hidden Gem: The voice of Michelle's boyfriend is played by Bradley Cooper.

Total Kill Count: 2
Emmett- John Gallagher Jr. (1:14:00) Shot in Head Gore Rating: 3
Howard- John Goodman (1:27:00) Falls in Acid/Blown Up Gore Rating: 7

Rating:
             Horror Film: 8
             Entertainment: 9
             Suspense: 8
             Overall: 8.25

Monday, May 23, 2016

The Gallows (2015)



Starring: Reese Mishler, Pfeifer Brown and Ryan Shoos

Homicidal Maniac: Charlie

Run time: 1:21:00

Quick Synopsis:  Twenty years after a fatal accident during a high school play, the ghost of the victim is back for revenge.

Review:
There really aren't too many positives to take away from The Gallows.  I guess you could argue that the opening sequence was done well.  After that, everything goes to shit.  At first I was going to complain how found footage has run its course (which it probably has), but that is not why this movie is awful.  The unnecessary and agitating giggling behind the camera and similarly annoying screaming and shakiness do not help.  However, this movie is no good because the acting is shit and the plot is worse.  There are so many cringe-worthy scenes that don't even have the charm that could lead to some joy due to the awfulness.  You just have to sit there depressed knowing that there is still another 45 minutes left.  Ryan Shoos' character is so aggravating that you will feel obligated to change the channel if you have any form of self respect or dignity. Its pretty ironic how the film about a high school drama class feels like it was performed by one.  The multiple "twists" are confusing.  Not confusing in the frame of the movie, just confusing to think someone thought they were a good idea.  Fortunately for any aspiring filmmaker, the standard for having a movie worthy of being distributed by a major production company has been lowered.  This was a truly demoralizing awful horror movie.  

Fun Fact: The character Cassidy is played by the daughter of Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford.

Hidden Gem: The opening sequence of the film was kept a secret from the people working on the film so they could capture true reactions for the scene, supposedly.

Total Kill Count:
Charlie (02:00) Accidental Hanging Gore Rating: ---
Ryan Shoos- Ryan Shoos (54:00) Hanged Gore Rating: ---
Cassidy- Cassidy Gifford (01:00:00) Hanged Gore Rating: 4
Reese- Reese Mishler (01:12:00) Hanged Gore Rating: ---
Officer Lang- Paris Cluff (01:15:00) Hanged Gore Rating: ---

Rating:
             Horror Film: 4
             Entertainment: 3
             Gore: 2
             Overall: 3.5