Thursday, June 30, 2016

Pet Sematary (1989)

Starring: Dale Midkiff, Denise Crosby, Fred Gwynne

Run time: 1:43

Rant: I distinctly remember watching Child's Play and Stephen King's It when I was really young. When I watch them as an adult I can see their flaws but I still enjoy them a great deal and they're still two of my favorites. I always assumed I enjoyed those movies for nostalgic purposes but Pet Sematary proves my theory wrong. I watched it as a little boy and loved it but as an older gentleman and a man of great decorum... this movie sucks the shit out of my asshole. It's fucking terrible.

Now, the story (written by Stephen King) is excellent. A doctor named Louis moves to Maine with his wife,  their two children and their cat. The house they move into is right next to a busy highway and eventually the cat gets hit by a truck. Their new neighbor, Jud (played by Fred Gwynne) tells Louis not to bury the cat in the Pet Sematary, but at an ancient burial ground where some indians and shit used to hang out. Louis does this and the cat comes back to life but now it's a voilent, asshole cat. A little bit later their youngest son, Gage is hit by a truck. Louis, on the verge of insanity, buries his child in the indian burial ground and just like the cat, the little boy rises from the dead.

From what I understand the story pretty much follows the novel. I also understand the novel is pretty damn good. Where did it all go wrong? The performances and the execution. Some scenes are shot like a fucking slapstick comedy. There's a part, after little Gage is killed, where Louis' father in law confronts him at the boy's funeral. It should be a serious emotional scene. They start shoving each other and one of them actually falls and knocks the casket over. I'm literally laughing out loud when I should be in horror. It's like a fucking Three Stooges bit at a funeral. Later on, after Louis buries Gage in the indian burial ground, he awakes in his bed. But he doesn't just wake up. He does this whole routine where he bounces up and bonks his fucking head on the nightstand. What the hell am I watching? Fucking silly. Also there's a part at the end where the little ressurrected, zombie boy tries to kill Louis and it's obviously doll. They should have cut between showing the real kid and the doll or something. At least I could try to suspend disbeleif but they'd rather insult my fucking intelligence.

God bless them for casting a 2 year old to play the part of Gage, when they could have easily made the character a few years older. Miko Hughes playes the little guy. I though he did a good job in Wes Craven's New Nightmare as Heather Langenkamp's son, Dylan. You can't really fault him for his performance in this movie since HE'S FUCKING 2! The daughter, Ellie is atrocious. Once again, she's just a kid. The rest of the cast have no fucking excuse. Dale Midkift plays Louis and he's simply horrible. There are some serious scenes in this movie where he really made me laugh. Fred Gwynne is solid and there's like a transvestite thing with spinal meningitis that pops in every now and again who does a good job.

Mary Lambert is the director and I'd actually never heard of her. Maybe it's because her only other movies I've heard of are Pet Semetary II and Halloweentown II: Kalbar's Revenge. Maybe I'll get around to doing a Halloweentown Series Review, but I highly doubt it. This film was just dissapointing and borderline heartbreaking. At the end of the day, it's an awful horror movie that deserves a remake.

Fun Fact: George Romero was supposed to direct this movie but dropped out when filming was delayed. Oh, what could have been.

             Horror Film: 5.5
             Entertainment: 7
             Gore: 4
             Overall: 5.5