Thursday, March 30, 2017

Beware! Children at Play (1989)

Director: Mik Cribbin

Starring: Michael Robertson, Rich Hamilton, Robin Lilly

Run time: 1:34

Rant: This is a Children of the Corn ripoff. Never have I seen such an awful movie with such a wonderful ending. You won't believe your eyes.

The beginning is excruciating. The acting is so fucking rotten it makes my goddamn eyeballs itch. The only thing worse is the duologue. Holy shit. Get to the fucking point. These cunts talk forever about absolutely nothing. Then we get to the point in the movie where the children start to act. I almost shut this shit off at least half a dozen times and I'm only thirty minutes in. Repeat after me: The ending is worth it, the ending is worth it, the ending is worth it.

In the Pine Barrons of New Jersey a teenage boy is abducting children and converting them into murderous cannibals. The sheriffs department goes and gets an author who writes books about the paranormal to help them. How fucking stupid is that? The townspeople just harass this guy and tell him how horrible his books are. He must have written this movie.

Enough about your fucking books! Enough! It's so boring! What year is it, 1950? People are really upset at this author for writing shitty books? Who cares? It's all they talk about for forty fucking minutes. I'm going to kill myself! The ending is worth it, the ending is worth it, the ending is worth it.

The police and the author go to the library and start studying Beowulf and Grendel for some fucking reason while the children break into their homes and murder their wives. Then the teenager rapes a woman in one of the most awkward and unnecessary scenes I've watched in a long time. As this shit is happening the townsfolk justifiably turn into an angry mob because of how worthless, pathetic and incompetent the sheriffs department is. At this point all you want is this mob to get some weapons, go out into the woods and fucking murder these children. Well, guess what happens? Just that. The last few minutes of this movie are mindblowling. Our main protagonist is shot and killed, then the children are butchered one by one. Guns, axes, pitchforks, machetes, bows and arrows. A child begs for his life as two grown men shoot him in the head to make it explode. A fucking guy puts a gun in a child's mouth and blows his brains out. This really happens. THIS REALLY HAPPENS! Then the movie just fucking ends.

They saved the film... I can't believe it. That's impossible... This awful horror movie is a giant piece of shit but it has the greatest ending of all time.

Fun Fact: Although this is the only film directed by Mik Cribbin, he has worked in the sound department for movies such as Spider-Man and American Gangster.

             Horror Film: 4
             Entertainment: 8
             Gore: 7
             Overall: 5.7