Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Abattoir (2016)

Starring: Jessica Lowndes, Joe Anderson, and Lin Shaye

Homicidal Maniac: Dayton Callie as Jebediah Crone

Run time: 1:38:00
Quick Synopsis: A journalist investigates the mystery behind the death of her sister's family.

Abattoir was definitely a chore to watch.  The movie revolves around a journalist who is trying to find answers to why her sister was murdered.  After doing some research, she finds a connection to many other similar murders (and other deaths) where the room in which the death took place is ripped out of the house.  All this happens in about the first thirty minutes of the film.  The pacing up to this point is perfectly fine.  Unfortunately, during the next 40 minutes of the film nothing new is presented to the audience.  The two main characters are a journalist and a police detective and they appear to be the two worst investigators in the world.  Even as the audience is able to connect all of the important dots, these two idiots struggle for another half hour.  The story does pick up during the climax but there is too much cliche and predictability to save the film.  One bright spot was the performance of Dayton Callie as Jebediah Crone.  He has a good presence and actual felt as though he could be a cult leader.  Additionally, many of the effects within the film look decent. Jessica Lowndes is average at best and it doesn't really help that filmmakers tried to add a noir-ish feel to the film.  They have dressed as a 50's movie star that was transported to modern day.  I think they tried to do the same to the detective (Grady, played by Joe Anderson) and the results were even worse.  This is an extremely tedious awful horror movie. 

Fun Fact:  An abattoir is a slaughterhouse where animals are killed for food consumption. 

Hidden Gem:  Former professional wrestler Taryn Terrell plays a drowning victim.

Total Kill Count:
Charlie- Aiden Flowers (9:00) Slaughtered Offscreen Gore Rating: ---
Amanda- Jackie Tuttle (9:00) Slaughtered Offscreen Gore Rating: ---
Charlie's Dad (9:00) Slaughtered Offscreen Gore Rating: ---
Sheriff McDermott- John McConnell (1:11:00) Shot in Head Gore Rating: 8
Grady- Joe Anderson (1:29:00)  Throat Slit Gore Rating: 7
Julia- Jessica Lowndes (1:33:00) Shot in the Stomach Gore Rating: 4

There were additional kills of ghosts throughout the film, ranging from poisonings to hangings to drownings and so on.

             Horror Film: 5
             Entertainment: 2
             Gore: 7
             Overall: 4.75

Saturday, April 8, 2017

The Windmill (2016)

Starring: Charlotte Beaumont, Patrick Baladi, and Bart Klever
Homicidal Maniac: Kenan Raven as Miller Hendrik
Run time: 1:25:00
Quick Synopsis: A group of bus tourists find themselves trapped in a windmill as a supernatural miller stalks and attempts to kills them.
Finding a decent horror movie on Netflix these days can sometimes feel like playing Russian roulette with a fully-loaded revolver so I was pleasantly surprised by The windmill.  The film does not try to reinvent the wheel (which is usually the right way to go), but it does attempt to make an interesting mash-up of different horror ideas to create a respectable premise.  The acting is a little more hit than miss and each character is given some backstory to work with.  The villain is imposing, both physically and with his supernal abilities, and his kills are done in an entertaining fashion.  The biggest gripe against the film is the lack of any level of suspense and very little mystery.  Additionally, the movie gets sloppy a few times and the ending is fairly underwhelming.  Overall, though, The Windmill is a watchable awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: While the film was released as The Windmill in the United States, the original title is The Windmill Massacre
Hidden Gem: Tanroh Ishida was the only one on set that spoke Japanese. Director Nick Jongerius was unable to verify his lines until he was given translations during editing.
Total Kill Count: 11
Prostitute-Prostitute- Donnya Zidan (24:00) Neck Snapped. Gore Rating: 3
Jack- Ben Batt (25:00) Head stomped in. Gore Rating: 9
Nicholas Cooper- Noah Taylor (42:00) Guts ripped out. Gore Rating: 8
Jenny's Dad- Derek Howard (49:00) Burned alive. Gore Rating: ---
Danny- Danny Jongejun (49:00) Burned alive. Gore Rating:----
Ruby- Fiona Hampton (56:00) Drowned. Gore Rating:---
Curt's Mom- Famke Lakerveld (1:04:00) Strangled. Gore Rating: ---
Douglas- Patrick Baladi (1:04:00) Decapitated. Gore Rating: 7
Takashi- Tanroh Ishida (1:06:00) Stabbed in stomach. Gore Rating: 6
Abe- Bart Klever (1:17:00) Throat Slit. Gore Rating: 8
Jenny- Charlotte Beaumont (1:19:00) Face smashed in/hooked. Gore Rating: 9

             Horror Film: 5
             Entertainment: 7
             Gore: 8
             Overall: 6.25

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Godzilla (1954)

Director: Ishiro Honda

Starring: Takashi Shimura, Akihito Hirata, Akira Takarada

Run time: 1:36

Rant: So basically there are two versions of the original Godzilla movie. Godzilla or Gojira in Japan was was directed by legendary kaiju director Ishiro Honda and released in 1954. Two years later in 1956 there was an American version released that used the same monster footage in the original but added an American reporter played by Raymond Burr. This review will be about the 1954 Japanese version.

This is only the second time I've watched this version and I gotta say it's pretty damn good. Godzilla was awaken by H-bomb tests near the ocean and the movie really tries to make you think about war and nuclear weapons. His atomic breath doesn't look like a laser blast in this one, it looks more like radiation or some kind of gas. It's a pretty depressing movie actually and it's really dark. Not dark like Godzilla 2014 where you can't see shit but dark and depressing. You might have to be in the right state of mind to enjoy it. There's no fun. You won't be seeing any monsters giving each other suplexes or Stone Cold stunners. Godzilla hasn't become a hero or The King of the Monsters like he's portrayed in the following films. He's a giant, scary, indestructible monster that just destroys everything in his path.

The story is pretty simple. A freighter is destroyed near and island and some locals think it's "Godzilla," who to them is just a legend. The government send a paleontologist named Kyohei Yamane (played by legendary actor Takashi Shimura) to find out what the hell is going on. He finds Godzilla and tells everyone that repeated H-bomb testing has awaken the monster. At the same time there's this mad scientist with an eye patch named Serizawa who's invented a weapon of mass destruction called the Oxygen Destroyer. Yamane's daughter Emiko and her fiance Ogata now have to convince Serizawa to use the weapon to destroy Godzilla.

The rubber suit isn't bad but it depends on what angles it's shot in. Some scenes Godzilla looks like a burn-victim Barney the dinosaur, but in others, especially with the grainy black and white film, he looks really scary. There's one shot at about the hour and four minute mark that is excellent.

This movie is great. You can't go wrong with Godzilla. The theme is one of the best ever, the characters are great and the sense of dread throughout is very well done. At the end of the movie, they use the Oxygen Destroyer and kill Godzilla. There will probably never be another film with him ever again. This is a classic and an excellent awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: Gojira is a combination of the words gorira (gorilla) and kujira (whale).

Monster Appearances

             Film: 8.5
             Entertainment: 8
             Effects: 7
             Overall: 8.0

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Son of Kong (1933)

Director: Ernest B. Shoedsack

Starring: Robert Armstrong, Helen Mack, Frank Reicher

Run time: 1:10

Rant: Ol' Son of Kong. They really cranked this son of a bitch out. It's actually not a bad movie considering the time it took for them to make it, compared to the original Kong film. Not a bad movie, but not a great one either. Writer Ruth Rose is quoted saying "If you can't make it bigger, make it funnier." Pretty smart. This formula works for other more modern franchises as well like the Nightmare on Elm Street series (fuck, do I have to mention that shit in every review?).

In the original movie the scenes without Kong feel like a part of a story building to something you know will be exiting. The scenes without Kong in this movie feel like filler. Some parts are entertaining but just get to the fucking ape, you cunts. We don't have an hour and forty minute movie this time!

When we first see little Kong the silly goose has got himself trapped in some quicksand. Denham and friends rescue him but they're still scared to death he might murder them. Soon after our heroes are attacked by a giant bear and of course young Kong comes to the rescue. The effects are once again a lot of fun. We see a triceratops, a nothosaurus and an elasmosaurus. We're finally having a great time on this island and... there's an earthquake and the movie ends. It's a shame they had to rush this fucker out. The first 45 minutes feel like forever and the last 20 minutes fly by. That's what makes Son of Kong a frustrating awful horror movie. 

Fun Fact: The model of the Styracosaurus that appears in the movie is owned by Peter Jackson. 

Monster Appearances
Little Kong

             Film: 6
             Entertainment: 7
             Effects: 8
             Overall: 6.7